This doesn’t feel real

Engulfed in sadness. 

Surreal. None of this feels real. 

The flat last night was wonderful. The room was up my alley; quirky space but still with plenty of room, it felt warm, it had an en-suite. The house was so nice, it felt updated, fresh, clean yet still welcoming and homely. The lady who I met lived there currently, she made me a cup of tea and we ate biscuits getting to know each other. I felt welcome and at home already. 

Walking away made me feel sad. I realised that I had found what feeling I had been looking for and as exciting as that was, it also made me feel so guilty and sad because...I knew what it meant. The puzzle pieces fit and my mind started racing, I looked at my phone and Chris texted the sweet messages he always does, it made me feel sorry and sad and...I just didn't know where to be. I still don't know. And when I stop typing, when I stop working, the tears rise up and I have to wipe them away. This feels as though it's really happening and I don't know how to word it.

I need to think about what's best for me. 

I need to think about what's best for him.

I need to think about what's best for us. 

It's unpleasant now, but aren't we just prolonging all of this until November? 

Are we happy? Or are we caught up in the comfortable life we've made ourselves? 

Are we truly happy?

I'm going to talk to him tonight, it's going to be so hard, but it absolutely has to be done. And hopefully it won't be a complete shock to his system, I mean, we both remember the conversations we've had. We know what we said. I have no idea what i'm going to say. Just got to let it flow out of me, and see where that takes us. Maybe he'll be receptive to it, maybe he won't. Maybe he'll feel relieved, maybe he'll be angry. I don't know. I can't assume anything. And to be honest, most things I thought previously he surprised me by feeling the same way. So, maybe we'll be able to talk about it amicably and openly. 

I pray.

My brother's found a room in a house share now, so that's a pretty big deal for him. I'm pleased for him because he'll be able to have his own space to then plan his next movements. He is understandably nervous. It's been great having him around but I'd love an empty house to ball my eyes out in. But then he'll be able to help talk me around what i'm thinking and feeling, help me see clearly.

I know deep, deep down that this is where the path is naturally taking us and I think Chris does too. We both love each other, and care for each other, which is what it makes it so painful. But, we've got to be fair to ourselves.

Oh god :(