At lunch I went for a walk around the park, doing my best to keep them at bay, didn't look up, didn't look at anyone. The birds pecking at the floor only made me feel more sad as they reminded me of him. 'This is really happening' I thought to myself.
I'm still reeling, and i'm sure I will continue to for a long time. It wasn't helped by my text to him which have gone unanswered. I'm sure he's been so busy, but I know he's got his phone out at some point, because he's hooked on the damn thing. So I know he's avoiding it completely.
It's another let down. I'm trying, i'm reaching out, but he's distancing himself, I feel it. Even this morning as I skipped washing my hair to cuddle him beneath our warm duvet, he just let me curl around him but didn't hug back.
One girl got back to me about a room that I particularly like the look of. It's cheap and not far from where I used to live a few years ago, I just get a nice vibe from it. I've arranged to see it tomorrow evening at 7pm, one of the housemates is going to show me around it. I'm looking forward to it in one way, but i'm dreading it the next. By saying yes to it, i'm agreeing to letting all the other emotions seep in. It's also giving the impression that i'm looking to move on, physically as well as emotionally. That will be a hard pill to swallow and I dread even telling Chris. Maybe I won't. I'm tempted to just see how I feel after I look at it and then see where that leaves me. Because pretty soon after I'll need to let them know / place a deposit...it all moves very quickly. Do I want it to?
Well, what's the point in staying...if we've both stated how we feel? We both still love each other, but we don't show it the same way we used to. We've both changed courses, him perhaps a little more dramatically than me, but that's not wrong. But we've stopped communicating, stopped sharing. I've reached my limit in wanting to wait, the time has come where I want some sort of commitment - i mean, in talking terms and yet, he can't seem to bring himself to do it. I don't blame him exactly, it's just not satisfactory.
I try and think back to when I started feeling this way, I think it goes back longer than I think. We've both spent a lot of time pretending, just blending in, absorbing ourselves in our routines. He says he's felt this way since the tiny flat where our landlady sadly died, which is a long time. It stung a bit but then I think to it and realize...it was the same for me to. Why do we bottle things up?
Why did we?
Hopefully...whatever happens over the course of the next few days will be okay. I hope I'll be able to keep it all together.
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