Stalemate

Okay, so I suppose today is officially day 3 without any words exchanged - why the hell am I even counting? The thing is, when I go to type something to him I’m at a bit of a loss of what to say. I think he’s an arrogant prick who thinks he’s got it all, in many ways he has. But, I know that in time he’ll come back around. Why not give him the impression I really don’t give two hoots about him. Plus, there’s a lot of other things going on and his lack of communication isn’t providing me with the escape I desire and is helping me to focus on the current issues at hand head on. This is something that should have been done months ago but instead I fell for his words and our history and thought I could get away with it. But of course now it’s hit me, properly hit me. Did I really think this was something I could maintain? I think even if I were single I would struggle with the situation. Hell, I did in previous years. Why don’t I learn from these things and fall for flattery every time?

He doesn’t have anything to say because why would he? It’s not as exciting as it once was and why would he try hard to keep me sweet when he knows I’ll come back to him? He’s got things going on and although nothing has been arranged, no dates have been said, the idea is that in less than two weeks we’ll meet again, that’s a fair while away. He has everything he needs to keep him ticking over til then, so why bother with what is essentially small talk? That or he is ghosting me, but that would make things easy for me so in a way I hope that’s the case. But really, I don’t think he would because why would he want to lose the sweet setup he’s got going on? 

Either phrasing is just...appalling. I have more power in this than I think I do but my confidence is knocked as I realise that my life as it stands at the moment, has potential to change dramatically and very soon too. 

My eyes are swollen and they’re tired from crying. We had more chat last night and talked more about how we were both feeling. We both said that there wasn’t any hard feelings between us as what we both wanted was reasonable. But it hurt as it’s difficult to know where things will go from here. We discussed how the physical side had dropped off for both of us and I just felt terribly guilty and sad. He sat in front of me with his sad eyes and I just wanted to start all over again. I thought to myself ‘would it be so bad to just wait until he’s ready?’ But I’m not sure I could fully trust myself. Plus, it’s to trust that he means what he says. We were honest and open, we were drained and tired. I missed smiling and laughing, I missed him and who we used to be. But he might be changing as his job gets more serious and my desire for a family isn’t changing any time soon. 

It’s just...horrible and there’s no easy solution here. 

What am I going to do?