I drank too much and ate too little, a mistake I always make. This time as he opened his door he wasn’t as tipsy as before and had been playing games instead of drinking in front of comedy shows. It was still a nice, warm greeting and he kissed me and held each other’s faces close. He prepared himself some food and I drank, we talked and played games as we usually do. He passed me an matte A4 file with a beautiful scene of houses and trees in the sunshine. ‘Turn to page 4!’ He said as I admired the cover and there was a beautiful detached 2 bedroom house with cream panelling, front and back garden and driveway. A new build. ‘At the end of the year, that could be Dan’s house.’
I felt happy for him and excitedly asked him questions about what he could put in each room. He’s putting his current flat on the market next week, he’s been there 3 years. It is all a part of his plan of course, he knew he was only going to stay that long.
I’m sure the stars will align and it’ll all fall into place perfectly for him, I don’t doubt it for a second. I wonder why he shows me, I guess it’s big news. Part of me wants him to say ‘join me!’ But then the other part of me pictures the super modern, sleek interiors that look as though they’re straight from a magazine, and feel a bit cold. Money can buy you anything, but if you don’t have interesting hobbies, I don’t know really, its a bit boring. I look about his flat now but don’t see many points of conversation.
Just had to move seats, a lovely little family sat behind me but listening to them talk to the child just...was too much. It was interfering with too much else going on in my mind. I felt bad moving away as they were sweet and well behaved but, it just couldn’t listen to it.
The night quickly became the usual blur of pleasure. It felt a little different this time, I’m not sure why. I should have eaten more before I drank because not only would I be grateful for it now but I probably wouldn’t have been as sloppy. I felt dirtier, not in a good way. He is like his own home, looks immaculate but lacks a real warmth.
But then in the morning he got up and came in and gave me a proper kiss. I put my arms around him and it felt so nice. First time I’ve felt intimacy from him, I was taken aback and I couldn’t fall back to sleep afterwards. Maybe it felt different because I feel different about him. There’s a shift happening inside, am I starting to care more than I want to? Or, am I surprising myself by not caring and withdrawing, much like a whore would?
He made breakfast as I put makeup on. I wanted to stay longer but his dad was coming over to decorate. I remember him telling me last night before I fell asleep ‘as that’s a shame, usually you shoot off so I thought it would be ok,’ maybe next time I will, who knows. As I packed my bag he touched my bum and smiled, a detail not worth making a note of usually but it was another sign of him maybe feeling more comfortable around me? We talk the whole time, mostly about him. He’s full of chat but it’s always very safe topics of conversation, but this is nothing new. He set up an older games console for friends he’s got coming over tomorrow. I like how he slots me into his life, he doesn’t Center his activities around me, probably why he likes our arrangement.
We drive to the station and he gets out, this time I take a little longer to meet him at the back of his car. We kiss again and hold each other close ‘So, 3 weeks time then?’ He said as we pulled out of our embrace.
I said yes and gripped his body a little bit. We kissed again and he told me to let him know when I get home. It doesn’t sound so far away but now I can see London outside my window I feel like time is slowing down already. Why did I say yes?
I messaged him to say that I felt a little sad leaving and that seeing him is like a little holiday where he takes me away from my chaotic life for a while. I worry it’s probably too intense to say but it is true and I want him to know that I’m thankful for it. As I’ve already established, like a holiday you return to normal life and all the problems within it. The rosy glow has gone and emotions are blunted.
Should I ever go back? Or is this something that I just... do now?
I feel I want to cry but then I think that might be because of the alcohol still in my system. I need to soak it up with something soon, I need to put my happy face on.
I think when I get off the train I see everyone else who makes their way to the barriers and they’re all so nicely dressed, usually families excitedly talking about their day out plans in the city. Its a picture of innocence and I feel like such fraud. I have a nice life, why throw it away?
I just want to go home. Hopefully I will be on right train soon. Weaving through the underground tunnels is like walking around my brain. Suddenly there will be crowds of slow moving people contesting the pathways, and then the next turn will be empty and silent.
Thankfully, my best friend is coming to visit later this evening, I couldn’t be more grateful to see her and hopefully talk it all out. Chris will be going to his friends for the eve so it works out well. I don’t like listening to music during this journey back but the conversations of others are just pissing me off. I want to focus and process everything but they’re distracting me with their perfect lives, I’m going to have to put my earphones in. It’s difficult to find something to listen to that won’t evoke some emotion or memory in me, I don’t want to listen to something I love that will in remind me of this time in the future. A time where I let myself down...
No, I need to stop. It’s not more than I think it is. It is all physical, there is nothing in between. He won’t allow it because he’s not in that place and I mustn’t allow it because I belong to someone else. So that’s all there is to it. If I want there to be anything else, my life will have to change drastically. And I don’t think I’m ready to do that yet. Not with this heavy head on my shoulders battling through the feelings of self loathing.
Just got to allow it to sink in and then reflect.
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