Numb

I just kept walking. The cold air slicing at my face, I kept it down and looked down at my feet as I just kept walking. Walking, walking. And I look up the street and see where I needed to turn but still wanted to carry on walking straight, until I couldn't feel my legs anymore. I gave in and arrived at the front door of the office, but couldn't remember much of the journey. The numbness still remains and I can feel i'm on the brink of tears. 

Is this really happening? 

We're okay, I mean we could work through this and be okay. But should we? For as long as I remain here, which could be another year or two as I can't run the risk of being without money/dramatic pay cut, I will project my desires and ambitions onto another person, as...that's all I have at the moment. I don't have a diary full of social activities, I don't have pets, children, or family taking up any of my time. So, I pour my heart into them in the hope I'll get something in return. Is love enough? 

I'm sure I've asked that question before. But, he's so loving and we are loving to each other, we don't fight or argue, there's respect between us. But, who knows how long I'll be waiting for. I don't know, I just don't know.

I'm challenging myself to keep my phone in my pocket and not look at it all day. I only want to take it out to call my dad later as I walk home and/or listen to music. I need to let it go and detach the unhealthy bond I currently seem to have with it. I can't keep compulsively checking, it's reaffirming my feelings of sadness and rejection. At least if I try my hardest to forget about it, I might be able to think clearer. Much like an addiction, the first day or two are the hardest without contact, all i'm missing is the cold sweats, but I start to feel better by day three and four. Maybe a week and I'll start to feel more...myself. 

The idea of moving again, starting all over again, putting myself back out there into the frightening world of dating, my future hanging in the balance again is just...such an awful, scary thought, I don't know where on earth to begin. Has it really come to that? I can't believe i'm even thinking it. I feel so empty. I feel like nothing. 

We can work through this if I want to work through it. But, to work through it I will need answers or at least an approximate time frame so I know. We've both laid our cards on the table, which is good, and neither of us is being unreasonable in what we want. Which is was makes it so hard. 

At least the alcohol has left my system now, I never want to drink again. I don't know where I want to be. I'm already dreading lunchtime where I'll have an hour with my phone, I'm going to have to try and do something, anything else to distract me. But it mustn't include buying anything...which is tough. I need to get back to focusing on saving again. 

I feel sick.

He will come back and I know that when I see his words I'll feel an injection of endorphin's and I'll believe that things are improving but I know that it'll be short lived. It's only a matter of time before he starts asking things of me again, things I shouldn't provide but will want to because i'll want to please him. It's so terribly wrong, I have slipped right back into what I did probably this time 4 years ago. I didn't feel good about it then, I certainly don't now. But what did I honestly expect? I can't be so clinical or cut throat and as someone who worries so much about everything I should know that this sort of thing would be no exception. I can't shut it off, and if I am able to, it's only for a short spell of time and it comes back to really hit me. I wish it was the end of the day already...it's going to be a slow week I can feel it.