My therapy

I know this is all very repetitive, but this is my therapy. I don't have anyone else to go over and over the same issues clambering about my mind, this is for me. Sometimes I think it helps and other times i'm not so sure. The thing is, i'm sure that maybe 5 months from now I will look back at this spell and wonder why I even bothered exerting as much energy as I have. I know it's too much already but when everything else feels as though it's falling into chaos, things that once meant nothing are suddenly very distracting and appealing.


I think one thing I've lost along the way in all of this, is who I really am.


Today as I walked to work I decided against listening to music. I couldn't decide what I wanted to hear and I also didn't want to open up my music player to see that all my other apps were without activity. So I was able to hear peoples conversations as I walked past, the noisy traffic, car horns, people shouting but occasionally with a break in the traffic occasionally birds could be heard. I've typed in entries before how I had decided that one day had been one for lipstick, colourful eyeshadow or a bright dress but today was none of those. In fact today has been a low-effort, blend into grey sort of day.

My worries still remain, eventhough I know that he wants to continue on and hope that things will return back to normal again. I suppose the thing is, it probably all will go back to normal. Neither of us revel in the discomfort of not having a real solution to our recent issue, and we like the way we are and how we live, so why drag out something unpleasant? But I won't be able to forget what I've done or what we've said. So again, I don't know where it leaves me. Nothing needs to be done right away, but at the same time I feel like it does.

I think about my feelings of intense emotion in previous relationships and there have been a fair few. Lee always springs to mind as someone most recently, eventhough we were never really together. Ben, of course, but I was so much younger and inexperienced back then. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks and I was easily overwhelmed, thought every argument was the end of the world. But it was a true learning curve for sure. Joe was too but it was a different kind of heartache. More lasting, one that will surely take me a lifetime to recover from.

All these experiences...I wouldn't change them. But it's difficult to look forward when you feel trapped in a rut.


'Be true to yourself' has come to mind a lot recently and I have forgotten this phrase. True to who I am...what does that mean? Except no compromises? Sigh. Why am I so impatient?


We'll have to come back to the discussion a bit later but for now I feel so drained by it all, I know he does to. So last night we snuggled under the blanket and watched Black Mirror and felt a little closer than we have done recently. The weekend should be okay, Saturday is a friend's birthday party/outing which I'm not really looking forward to. But it'll be nice to get out together and have some fun. Hopefully fun.


Low and behold when I pulled my phone out of my pocket I saw 7 notifications appear on my screen - just as I had accepted that it was the end, and a positive thing. I felt a smile and I tried to hide it. I quickly closed it and tried to ignore it but as I went about my working day I kept thinking about it. Of course I did. As I walk home I will think about my reply too, it would serve him right if I wait 5 days until I get back to him but I know I won't be able to last that long. So much for being strong.

He told me I was being ridiculous, and that he had been up North since Sunday after his boss had asked him to drive there for a meeting on Monday and apparently he's still there. He also said this wasn't an excuse and should have replied (he didn't apologize, but then I didn't expect one.) He went on to talk about what I had mentioned in my previous message; how we should have a retro games night, how he loved having me around his for many reasons, and sent me a screenshot of an appropriate valentines day card, which was thoughtful and cute - I fell for it well and truly. It was exactly the sort of response I wanted. But at the same time, I didn't want it. Because now he's back there again and I feel the pressure to reply.
Sure, he took 10 mins out of his 'busy' day to reply to me but only did because he could tell I was slipping away, giving him a polite last chance. Clearly, I'm not on his mind as much as he's on mine. There is certainly an imbalance there. But he has multi-million pound deals on the table in his job whereas I absolutely do not, so, of course I have more time for thinking. But as much as I don't want to, I do feel relief as I feared the real worst; Perhaps he came over feeling guilty for giving me a STI or something, or he was satisfied with the multimedia and couldn't be arsed to deal with me in person. There is still potential for both of these situations but I do hope not.