Standing over my heater trying to get warm. Soon I’ll be getting the train like I do every other morning. This time I don’t have any forbidden words from the previous evening putting a spring in my step. Far from it.
Yes, it’s been two days and there’s been zero from him. I woke up feeling sick. So many thoughts collided within that I physically had to get up, my slumber interrupted. ‘It’s over,’ from one thought to ‘you know how this goes,’ the next. But he’s keeping me in the dark so it could be either or. I can’t possibly re-write again why he prolongs his replies, my gut instinct tells me that’s what he’s doing, I know he’s probably been busy and he’ll ‘allocate me some time’ to reply properly but it’s so fucking rude. Again, he doesn’t owe me anything and perhaps the kisses, the hugs, the gradual increase of real intimacy was all lies. Maybe he didn’t have a good time and he wants to call it a day. It’s the worst case scenario of course and I’m jumping to this conclusion because for some reason I’m assuming the worst. My gut instinct is telling me to wait until tomorrow, as I know usually it doesn’t last longer than 3 days. But the anxiety is eating me away. It could be that he doesn’t feel any urgency to reply because of course we’re not together and, if he is actually happy with this arrangement then it’s because it’s light, fun, on his terms, it will be while til we see each other again, why jump at replies when it’ll take too much energy and time to maintain?
I’ll wait and see. I’m seriously fighting the urge to write to him again but I’ve got to leave it for as long as possible. It will take every ounce of me. That is so messed up for so many reasons because, he shouldn’t be my priority. Not even on the radar. If he doesn’t reply sure it’ll be rude and a bit of a shame, but it’ll free up so much more space in my mind for what is truly important: my relationship with Chris.
Dan is offering me NOTHING. Nothing but a good time for an evening and even then, it’s when I’m drunk, dressed up and lost. He’s not offering me a better life or anything I dream of. I fall for being desired by him and it’s pathetic, that’s all there is to it. I shouldn’t say another word to him - I know it, I’ve known it all along. I wish I could go back in time and cancel on him like I nearly did last November and forget about him easily as I have done many times before. It’s difficult to do now because he always manages to work his way into my life when there’s cracks starting to show. When things are good, I’m not even tempted to message him because I’m being fulfilled in every other aspect of my life, the bars are full, there’s no need for his attention. But when things are rocky, I make myself believe he’s what I need.
It’s fucking happened before as well. I can’t believe this is happening again. And he fed me along while I broke up with Joe and went through that hell and at the moment it’s looking like he’ll do the same with me and Chris. Maybe it’s a sick kick he gets, seeing a stable, healthy and fun relationship and challenge himself to break it apart? It’s better if I say nothing at all. My gut tells me he’ll come back.
The buzz from seeing my friend wore off so quickly and I was left with the bitterness, sadness and emptiness I usually feel the next day. Alone. Alienated. Ashamed.
I tried to hide it but my face had fallen and I couldn’t smile. I woke up in an empty bed and went for a walk in the sun. It felt food to get out of the house and although no thoughts were clearer, it was still good to walk and walk with nowhere to go.
I came home and he was back from his friends, he then had to go out again. I took some time to draw and it felt nice putting pen to paper. I tried to escape in familiar comedy but it didn’t feel the void.
When Chris got back later in the evening he came and sat next to me and asked if I was okay, and before I knew it, we were talking about everything. Like adults, without tears or any emotional shutting down. We both agreed that we felt numb, that something was different between us. We didn’t know when it had changed but we knew it had but neither of us were really addressing it. He thought it was the move/his increase of work pressure and I do believe it plays a part. I said how the move was for bettering our future, to try and save money but neither of us were doing so. We hadn’t talked about budgeting like we thought we would, we hadn’t looked into joint accounts, all that grown up serious stuff we’d both been ignoring. He said he was focusing on Work which was stressing him out but he wanted to become more driven. He knew that in time the desire for children would come about but he couldn’t tell me when that would be, and of course the minor detail was that he wanted the house too. He wanted to feel better about himself and work before he’d feel ready for any of that and I understood, this wasn’t new information. But I said how I was ready for those things now and was pretty much waiting for him to be ready, I’m not career driven, it’s not challenging me, I’m in a city I don’t know with nobody around me, I miss home and I feel guilty I can’t be home more to help/offer support, I miss my friends. And I don’t want to pressure him or nag and we both agreed that what we wanted the same things eventually. But timelines are fuzzy. He said he was worried about me and realised that I was at a set of crossroads. He also worried that he would change and we’d grow apart. I don’t think that’s the case although I realise I’m pushing us apart with my stupid antics taking up too much time and money.
I put together a city social profile like I had done years prior when I was in Cambridge and it brought back a lot of familiar feelings. Putting together a profile and seeing other people’s faces coming up on screen, it felt like my dating days again. Some of the messages were of that nature too but I didn’t want any of that so I’ve ignored it. But I do, I feel so lost and I don’t know how to move forward.
In the evening as we sat, I said how I felt sad and before I knew it we were both crying and holding each other. I do love him so much and I know he loves me, he cares about me and he wants what’s best for me. I feel awful about everything I’ve done. I don’t want to make him feel sad too. ‘We’re going to be ok, aren’t we?’ ‘I hope so,’ he said and we carried on hugging. I just...didn’t know what to do or say. Maybe we’ll be able to work through all of this. Maybe we won’t. I just don’t know.
What I do know is that I’ve got to stop talking to Dan. If I do that, then I’ll be able to focus properly. Maybe he’s doing me a favour ignoring me.
No comments:
Post a Comment