Manipulated

Believe it or not, I think my obsession is beginning to subside. Having had a busy weekend full of variety, different social activities and artwork, I feel my anxiety has decreased significantly. It could be the fact that I got out and we saw friends we haven’t seen in months and I was able to stretch the social muscle I haven’t used for a long time, it felt good. I was close to cancelling because I was nervous but it was good fun and it made me realise how much I had missed it, even being a club environment drinking weak, expensive drinks.

I saw his name appear and I couldn’t prevent the smile spread across my face - it was a nice surprise, these days any correspondence is always surprising. He said he had a stressful week at work and I do believe him, from bits and pieces he’s told me before I think there’s been a lot riding on the outcome. Of course, it’ll be fine for him though as everything he undertakes is an easy task, perhaps only a little inconvenient at times. The thought ‘everything he touched turns to gold’ came to mind but as I typed it I almost felt a little sick - why do I idolise him!? He can make a bit of money is one of those boring professions out there, really? Gold!? Nope. No, that’s not the case. 

The date I’d suggested originally is apparently his sisters birthday which I also believe, I didn’t feel as disheartened as I thought I would. I sent a reply which was a lot shorter, still polite and chirpy but not as detailed as I usually am and could have been. I’m not going to tell him stuff about me or what I’ve been up to unless he asks, why give it for free when he hasn’t earned it? I’ve given him so much, he’s manipulated me so much over the past few weeks and now I’m starting to see through it all. I mean, I totally knew it going along and let him, I enjoyed it. But now I look back at how stressed and burnt out I was last week and the time before that and it’s all over absolutely nothing. I’ve realised I’ve needed to rein it in.

I don’t think he’s disappearing, I think he’s going through a busier spell and he’s not as focused on the topics of conversation as we have in the past. And to be perfectly honest, neither have I.

Having art projects on the go has helped me a lot and I think it’s important I keep doing something as not only is it something I enjoy but it gives me time to focus. It also helps me practice and get better which is a bonus. 

We’ll just have to see how today goes, hopefully I’ll feel the same way I do now at the end of today.