Looking

So, the flat I went and saw was a bit of a dive. As soon as I saw the girl standing there in the clouded, yellow light I knew it wasn't meant to be. The room was a decent size and for a moment I tried to picture my belongings dotted about but when she showed me the awful, sparse kitchen...it looked as though it could have been from the set of Trainspotting. It just wasn't my sort of place at all, and left feeling a bit disappointed. I recalled the previous occasions I had viewed flats in the past with the same feelings. Was I really going to put myself through it all again? 

But it was the first one, I mean, it was hardly likely to be the perfect place, it doesn't work like that. I suppose in some ways it has started the ball rolling. When I got home, Chris was waiting for me, he'd already eaten leftovers for dinner. He hugged me and asked me why I was late, I nearly told him but lied and said I'd stayed late at work. I hated lying to him, perhaps he knew it, but he didn't press. I looked about the flat and for the first time ever, felt an affection towards it. I still felt sad. My brother came home and looked sad too. Chris spent his evening in the other room playing games, he seemed happy enough but it was awkward. 

I've lined up another couple of flats on Monday, see if they fill me with any promise. Maybe it's the wrong time, maybe I shouldn't even be looking. But it's good to see what's out there. 

Today I took another big step - I emailed the landlord. Now that it's sent I'm worrying a bit, because I don't want him to react negatively or start to panic. I think it was well worded, I hope the right message got across - that our relationship is ending and would he consider shortening the contract to 6 months. I also asked if it could remain confidential, so hopefully he won't text or call Chris - why he would, I don't know, just my mind presuming the worst case situations. I just thought it was unfair to assume. Although he's a bit of an oddball and I really do think the answer will be 'no,' he might, just might, be very understanding and say yes. And that would open things up, I think it would relieve a lot of pressure, not to mention, save us money. Will just have to wait and see what he says.

It's still a sad state of affairs. I still feel numb and every time I see him I just want to hug him and cry. But I'm still hunting for rooms, I mean, what does that say? He's not making any real effort to piece things back together, what does that say?

This weekend will be interesting. I've got my theory test tomorrow morning - very early, which I hope will go well but to be honest, I haven't thought about it much what with everything that's been going on. Once that is done it would be nice to spend some time together, maybe even talk, I don't know. Maybe have some fun? Could I allow myself to feel that sensation? He's resided to 'chilling' and already I feel like we're going back into the fold, like before. So, I generally feel on edge about everything. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel 'here.' I am absent. 

My brother is also looking at a flat today. It would be nice to live together, we did talk about it, but, i'm not sure if would be a good idea in the long run. I mean, would it work? It could do. I might see how things pan out, for him and me and maybe we could come back to the idea.

For now I'm just...looking.