Keep trying

Payday finally comes around and what do I do? I spend it all on underwear to make myself feel better. For a moment, it did. I sucked myself into the screen and into a fantasy land of pretty things, white backgrounds, no complications, just fun, silly, superficial. Numbers, only numbers they didn't mean anything as they appeared and then disappeared as I paid then carried on as if nothing had happened. It hasn't arrived yet but when it does i'll wonder why I thought it was a good idea. I suppose i'll just return it. 

Just feel totally numb and sad. Like I want to cry, but no tears are on the surface. I feel cold, but I don't feel sick...just, numb. My brother has been helping dispite the fact that he's been going through a tough time himself. We cooked and talked last night and both felt better for it. But when the morning comes around, the night catches up with me and instead of feeling rested I feel like i've gone back a few paces. I look about the flat, at our belongings and start seeing it fizzle away before my eyes. Nothing has been decided, but I feel like we're ending. And our lack of talking about it, says far more than if we were to talk about it. 

There's no desperate attempts to try and amend what's been said. No texting pleading and asking, expressing sadness trying to cling on and reconcile. Nothing. From neither of us. He's letting work take over and i'm not trying to intervene. I need to get away. I think space is what we both need. 

Are we making each other as happy as we should be? I don't feel happy. I don't think he does either. Have we reached that point of no return? I think we might. And, although I worry i'm alone in feeling this, something tells me he does too. Because otherwise, we'd be talking more. But we're ignoring it. 

I know my brother being in our space isn't ideal, but even so behind closed doors we could talk, or over text. But we don't. We're being cowardly. It's easier to just carry on and not address it. 

I think i'll try and take a couple of days off around a weekend and venture home for some peace of mind, space. It'll be sad and slow as home is, but it might make him realise what's actually happening. It might be good for me too.

'My life is here' I say as I look about our place but it isn't, it's just those four rooms. I spend more time on the train. I think about my driving lessons and think about waiting until I pass but that's not enough reason, plus it doesn't cost a lot to travel back to continue the lessons...

I've been looking online for house shares, even a couple of studio flats as well. From one point of view, I like the idea of being in my own space. But then, I think i'd miss the company, or just knowing I wasn't all by myself. It gives me a bit of hope to look around, it also makes me aware of the reality that I find myself in. This is a pretty big gesture, to outwardly search and actually pay money to reply to adverts in some cases...I just want to take a look at one or two and see how it makes me feel.

Empty, just at a bit of a loss as to what to do. 

I think I need to get away, but I still love him and I still don't know whether we should keep trying...