I sat with my back against the heater in the empty room and cried. I know he was too. But thankfully there was chat had beforehand and it was more than an hour of civilised, fair, uninterrupted opening up of how we both really felt. I knew that I wanted to talk to him that evening, even though I didn’t know what I wanted to say. And at first he was a bit reluctant, but I persevered. ‘Did you see lots of fellas with bouquets of flowers walking about?’ I asked as we had finished up talking about our days ‘yeah,’ he sighed. ‘How did it make you feel?’ He sighed again, ‘a bit sad,’ he admitted. I felt sad too. I know it’s cheesy as hell and hey, it’s a stupid day in the calendar why should you do it because everyone else is doing it, it’s forced. But then he mentioned that he didn’t do it any other time either. But neither did I. I could have done, but I didn’t. 

We both agreed that we had got to a point where we had both...sort of stopped caring. He said he felt he had changed as the nature of his job had intensified. He thought I was still in love with the old him and not the new one. I hadn’t really thought about it much but I suppose he had a bit. We both felt that since moving to the new city things between us had changed, but we didn’t really know how. Although it was sad to talk about it, I was glad he was on the same sort of page. It doesn’t excuse anything I’ve done, I will never feel that ever. But, it helps me understand why I did it, because I’ve been struggling to get my head around it. Why recently, where before I thought we were both so happy. We weren’t happy. 

He has been very stressed and he said he didn’t feel happy in himself at all and didn’t feel in such a good place, that he was serious, he didn’t laugh much anymore, he didn’t listen to me like he knew he should. I felt bad he was blaming himself and said it wasn’t just him, I let it slide too. We both felt as though our lives were taking different paths; his career was just beginning and mine was stagnant and I’m ready for a family. We both understood our different points of view and neither of us blamed each other. We both apologised throughout. I can’t believe we’re here, at this point. Neither of us know how to proceed. He said he needed to focus on getting that fun side back, but I wonder if there’s space for it. I wonder if there’s space for me. He went on to say things I hadn’t heard before, that he didn’t like leaving early at things, that he felt boring, he wasn’t able to fully let himself go. I said I felt like I held him back. He didn’t agree fully, but said ‘maybe.’ I’m sure I do, I mentioned my anxieties in social situations and how it must rub off on him in some way, it’s difficult to ignore. It isn’t just his problem to fix though, I mean it’s me too. I need to focus on getting that spark back if we want us to work. Do we want us to work? Do we want to keep at it? Have I emotionally checked out already, or has he? 

We’re going to talk more this evening and I just want to hug him. I wish I didn’t have to work. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do today.