I got lazy

I got lazy. I stopped trying. I noticed there was something I wanted to talk about but instead of trying to tackle it, despite the chance of discomfort and awkwardness, I carried on and allowed my feelings to be distracted, eventually by someone else. Someone else who was offering me nothing more than just a good time. 

I'm not that shallow, I know i'm not. But I just wasn't happy with my life at the time, I didn't like that I couldn't open up, perhaps he didn't make me feel like I was able to. And now, I think it might be too late.

The physical side of things I know we can work through if I cut off all other distractions, which hey, looks like is already happening. I can focus on us and work on getting that spark back - relationships take work, and we've both let it slip. But the other stuff...the fact he won't change how he feels / won't know when he's ready, and me having nothing else to focus on, sure that i'm ready for taking big steps...just makes me feel so sick.

 

He is my home. Every time I see a pigeon I want to cry. I just want us to go back to the way we used to be. I've fucked it all up. I've fucked up my life. I just want to be home with him and hug him. I just want to run away.