It fills me mostly with dread but a slight tinge of excitement too. However, it is only imaginary. And, combined with those emotions I also feel a bit sick. Because I can't believe i've typed it out, I can't believe i'm even thinking about it.
He held me closely this morning before he left for work and I closed my eyes and breathed him in. I love him so much but I feel a distance between us and I know i'm not stopping it from growing. I've got to focus on us, on getting it back but...he isn't reassuring me. We need to talk about it. And for the first time in weeks, Dan has no part to play in this at all. I have completely zoned out from him and his foolishness. I am no longer hooked on checking my phone, I no longer seem to care. I don't have the emotional space for lust right now, there is far too much else to think and worry about.
I'm breaking away. To think this time 3 years ago he surprised me on a trip away, I was completely over the moon. I spent hours making him a card, he called me and cried he loved it so much. What happened to us?
He's away this evening on business so maybe i'll be able to muster the courage to bring it up when he's not sat in front of me.
'I think you need an upgrade' my manger said to me as I told him that we 'don't do valentines day.' It's true and I do think it's a stupid day, but at the same time, I feel such disappointment in my self for not making him something like I used to do, like I used to want to do. I love surprises and yet, we don't have them anymore. He doesn't like them so, i've stopped liking them too. But I know deep down that's what I love doing, I can't deny it. And thinking about I realize how that's worn me down more than I think.
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