It's been a real whirlwind, one moment i'm making grand plans for myself, setting up multiple viewings an evening for a variety of different places dotted about the city. But when i'm home, I feel an almighty sadness and I want to cancel it all. 'What's wrong with plodding along?' I start to think, and realise that probably a good 80% of the human race are doing that, knowingly or unknowingly.
I feel sick and so guilty, so much going on in my mind that I can't share with the person I want to the most. Never a right time, never a moment.
I'm so sorry.
I never thought it would come to this, and yet, here we are. Maybe I knew it all along. We are both so, so different. We never told otherwise, but we have been able to move along in our lives together for 3 years easily, mostly happily. Something happened which made me want to ask, something happened which made me become secretive all of a sudden. I think I know what I need to do, what I should do. But doing it is so hard. Can I really go back to the drawing board? I can't even start to think about the idea of starting all over again...
The landlord wrote back to my email this morning, which was a surprise. I was half expecting him not to reply at all. Surprisingly, he agreed he would be flexible with the contract and shorten it. I can't believe it. I feel shaky and sick.
'I don't know how to feel' I text my brother, who's i've kept in the loop completely.
'probably a good thing? I guess the thing is, yeaah it makes it all a reality. But if it feels scary because suddenly you have an opening to make a change that you actually think is for the best, then that probably tells you what you need to know. Whereas before it seems hypothetical, easy and exciting because actually it's shielding off for the next 8 months. Now you have to actually decide what you'll do which is of course more stressful.'
He's hit the nail on the head. He's wise beyond his years, that much is certain.
Sigh.
So, it's all too fresh for me to really put into words.
Over the weekend Dan messaged me to ask if we could rearrange the upcoming date we had set, if it didn't cost my anything. My body went cold and the disappointment hit me like a tonne of bricks. Cost me anything? It has cost me more than I care to admit.
His work are all going out to celebrate some work they did and he felt he had to show his face. I totally get it, but it just made me feel so shit. And I HATE that it did.
'Aw okay not to worry, do what you need to d! We can arrange another time' I lie. I hate that i'm too nice, I should absolutely give him a hard time about so many things but it's easier not to.
'Not going to lie though, i've been looking forward to it more than I should have so i'm dissapointed but I understand' - thought that was pretty good. Clearly I'm pissed and he is in the wrong, but i'm being accommodating all the same. I typed out lots of other things before then, but hit the backspace and thought about if it would do me any good. It wasn't worth the effort or energy, plus he'd just delete me.
'Yeah I know I really do feel dreadful. How about this instead... I have to go out for dinner sat eve for dinner with my family. But afterwards i'm free along with Sunday..Perhaps get a late train Saturday then games on Sunday!? If not its absolutely not a problem, i'm seeing you over them! So don't make me feel that bad, i'm always going to prioritize you I was just going to ask in case you could shuffle!'
I agreed a little cooly. I know exactly what he's doing, completely. He's spinning all the plates and i'm just another one he wants to keep high up there, spinning away so he can continue to do as he pleases and gets whatever he wants whenever he asks for it. I get it and I let him. That's the lame thing about it all. But I like how he did panic a little, and the grovelling afterwards is kinda nice, he promises he'll make it up to me, yada yada. I like that i'll see a bit more of him though...in a way. I often dash off the following morning. Maybe i'll still want to.
It's just, no good at all. Absolutely no good, he's not the answer, he never was, never will be. I felt so awful last time coming back on the train, it was an awful, awful come-down and I don't want to go through that again. But...he transports me into a new world where I can forget about my real life and get lost in the drinks, the warmth, the comfort and the pleasure. He remains there, a constant beacon of light, glowing, a golden light that has always appeared at the times of my life where my path has become obscured by an unforeseen junction, or break-down.
No good has really come from it, ever. But, he does help bring me up for air. When i'm clouded and lost, he reminds me that it's not all over...
*
I'm going to see how this new flat makes me feel. I know I said that about the last one, but although this one is a little outside my price range, it looks like my sort of place and it's not far from where I used to live. I hope i'll like it, but how i'll go about breaking the news ...I just have no idea. It's probably best that I don't think about it at this point, just take it hour by hour and see.
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