As usual, things don't usually pan out as originally planned and this weekend wasn't much different. On Friday after work I met with my brother who told me with a pale face and sad eyes that he and his girlfriend of 4 years were breaking up. We sat in a deserted basement seating area of an otherwise busy restaurant just down the road and talked it through. My heart sank for him but I couldn't believe the coincidence of timing. However, this wasn't about me or my issues, it was about listening to how he was feeling. We felt similar; numb, drained, tired and wishing to fast-forward 3 or 4 weeks to skip through all this unpleasantness. Although he was upset, I wasn't worried for him exactly, I know he's strong and he did say that the decision was pretty mutual. So, it takes the edge off but it's still a sad state of affairs.
I went home and so did he and I saw Chris at home who had put the oven on and we ate pizza and played games. We didn't want to talk more about what we'd spent too long discussing, there didn't feel any point.
Saturday came and we made pancakes (badly on my part,) and I had a driving lesson, which was fun. I enjoyed it, it didn't go as badly as I thought it would. I came back and Chris had already gone, to see his friend up North. I went home and saw dad, which was really nice. He picked me up from the station and soon I was home in the familar warmth, cupboards stocked with my favourite snacks, artistic books and CD's lining the walls, I finally felt relaxed. He listened as I opened up about how things were going and he nodded, taking it all in. He felt that I wasn't needing the long discussion as previously arranged, as so much had been discussed before - it was all the same, I felt so empty about it all. He said that it was probably prolonging the inevitable; if neither of us were moving on what we wanted/when we wanted it, plus with the comfort factor and the words exchanged...it's difficult to come back from. And do we even want to? Chris doesn't look at me the same way since...
The following day we played games, talked more, and he took me back home. My brother asked if he could stay with us for a while, while he figured out what he was going to do next.
It was nice for dad to see the flat and we sat and drank coffee as Chris seemed to busy himself/ignore us which made us both feel awkward, I'm not sure why. But, I appreciate that he's probably not feeling so great at the moment and then had to face two of my closest family members, it's a lot to take in.
Soon after my brother joined and we went out for dinner. It was nice, a little different but still nice. Dad then went home again and we all stayed up a bit longer playing games and chatting light-heartedly. Although the timing isn't perfect, it'll be nice to have my brother about as someone else to talk to and entertain, keep our spirits up. It's a nice distraction and might even help us as well, who knows. I suppose at the moment, we're just taking things on a day by day basis.
But for the most part, I just feel sad. I feel uncomfortable, sad and on the brink of tears. Time of the month isn't helping, but I suppose i'm surprised i'm not as hysterical as I could be.
I'll speak to mum later on this afternoon at lunch as it's been a while since we've talked. I'm looking forward to it but at the same time, I do feel I might loose my cool. Perhaps it'll all come spilling out from within...who knows.
I have no idea anymore.
What's going to happen...how is this going to go? Will we be able to move past all of this, work through this? Can we forget what we've both previously said?...I just...don't know.
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