'Gutted' comes to mind. As if all my insides have been scraped out and removed from within me, I just feel so empty and sad.

I'm not sure how we left things last night, it's all a bit of a blur and not a pleasant one. I think we're going to keep at it and try and do more fun things to hopefully get our spark back again. However, I don't think of either of us fully believe that we will...I say this because, I think too much time has passed of us being stale and sort of lazy. And in that time, his work has intensified and mine has not. He's not in a place to make plans, I am. These things aren't going to change, I doubt. I think he hopes that if we get back to doing fun things again, he'll want to plan big picture stuff but I genuinely don't think that's on his horizon for a while and I can't force it to be. Neither would I want to.

This weekend i've got a driving lesson (god help me - I can tell already how it's going to go,) and then i'm visiting dad for the evening. I'm looking forward to seeing him and talking to him about everything, he always helps me put a plan together somehow. Chris is going to visit his best friend for the evening and I know he plans on talking to him about it all, perhaps we'll reconvene with clearer heads. I don't know.

I know there isn't any rush, but, I still feel so on edge.

It is awful.