Erased

These mornings I’ve been waking up feeling sick and sort of off balance. Like it has all been a dream. In reality it’s just been so much emotional up and down it’s probably not surprising. I still feel a bit numb to how I feel, can’t really detect what’s going on inside. I know a lot of energy is spent processing the outcome of that fucking message I sent. I’m giving it until today before I delete it all. And move forward with my life. It’s got to that same point it did all those years ago, I couldn’t stand the hot and cold, the inability to read him, his lack of care and respect towards me. I felt free when I finally got the courage to eradicate our exchanges, although it was a little strange and uncomfortable to begin with. It’s another one of those habits which is hard to break, it’s a natural occurrence to want to pick up my phone and pick up where we left off. It makes me wonder if he’s fighting any urges but I will never know because we are so different, he has completely different agendas, ambitions, thoughts. He’s got a lot going on mentally too, I believe he’s pretty complex in that respect so maybe he is. Maybe it’s all been work and no play. Maybe he thinks we’re a casual arrangement and hasn’t given it any thought whatsoever. 

I will find out soon enough I’m sure. But why is it so hard to let him go? When I know he’s bad for me in every sense. 

I’ve done it before and I will do it again, I’ve got through worse. 

Last night we made the effort to be intimate, we were a little rusty but I realise so much of it is in my mind.