Don't know what to do

I got home and sat with my back against the heater, my usual spot for wallowing. I tried to distract myself with my phone while I waited for Chris to get in. When I heard the key in the door, my heart skipped a little and to see him in the doorway made me feel guilty. Guilty for what I was about to do; land another deep, emotional talk onto him again, I know how he hates them. I knew it was bad timing, but I just couldn't hold it in and pretend I was fine. I cried and he hugged me. Of course, all reasonable points I had escaped my mind in their usual fashion, it was nothing new and what we spoke about wasn't anything new either. He said that we hadn't allowed enough time to pass for our last conversation. He felt that how we had left things last time was positive, and concluded from it that we needed to do more fun things together. Be silly again. I agreed. And the thing is, I do agree - these are things we should do, but, I don't think my mind will allow me to have fun. There's too much its thinking about, all I want to do it lull and mope - it's like my heart isn't in it anymore. And, it's making me question whether I should stay.

After about half an hour, my brother texted to say he was on his way back so we wrapped up the conversation, hugged, carried on. I'm still going to go and look at the flat today. Last night I was tempted to cancel them all but now, I still feel I should go just to see how I feel in myself when I look about. Will I feel sad? Anxious? Happy? Excited?

Surprisingly, Chris asked 'If the contract was up in say, April, would that effect things?' I thought about and said I didn't know, but then said that yes, it probably would. And it would. He agreed. I let it slip that I had looked at places, he went silent and was lost in thought. We held each others hands and I wished so much for us to be back to where we were once. But, as much as it stings and hurts - seeing him sad just...breaks me apart, but, I just don't know if we can come back from this.


This morning we hugged and I smiled, I mean, seeing him will always make me smile. But I don't think either of us want to be intimate with each other, for me it just doesn't cross my mind - what with everything that's been going on at the moment.

This morning I thought about who I was really doing all this for. The thought of moving out...surely that will break us. Surely that will be the end. I can't imagine he'd understand, he did say with tears in his eyes last night 'it's up to you' and that all he could bring to the table at the moment was him trying to put more fun into things, just give it a month or so. But I don't know how I feel about waiting, I don't think doing fun things together will change the way I feel now. I mean, we do fun lil things every day but underneath it all I still feel lost and worry - I'm not 100% happy where we are. We've got too comfortable and lazy, and that's where we're at.


I did do a bit of research and have worked out that I could potentially afford the flat I'm seeing tonight and still pay my part of the rent, up until October. It'll be a tight year, that's for sure. But, I'll be free...won't I?

I think a lot hinges on this evening. I will need to reflect upon how it makes me feel.


I could imagine if I saw my situation typed up on an advise forum website, the general consensus would be to end the relationship. I mean, we both agree the spark has gone from our sex life, we've both stopped making the effort. We both can't seem to agree on what we want from the future, which is a particular sticking point for me. - That's hard for me to forget about and see past. See, he thinks that by doing fun stuff again and getting back to how we were once were, will naturally make the future become clear - he'll feel better about making a decision for kids etc. But, I doubt that'll happen, because we aren't the same as we used to be. He has changed. I have too, a little bit. So, we're both holding on in the hopes that things will get better. But, should we really be doing that? It doesn't sound right. 'Life's too short' comes to mind...


I'm viewing it all in a negative way for sure. It's like I've already made up my mind. And now I can't undo it. What would I really get from leaving? Certainly no financial benefit... I'd lose my best friend. I picture what we have now but look at what we used to have in our first flat. The past year or so is a bit fuzzy. That's not a good sign. When I asked my brother, he did say he saw a change in us a fair few months ago, he saw a change in Chris, too. He was biased of course and I had told him my issues which had made him look out for these things more, of course. But him noticing did impact me a fair bit, like Chris saying he had changed - that impacted me too.

But could we plod along for another few months? Yes, I think we could. Should we?

My looking at flats has sparked me to make the change - because why would he want to? He has an easy time of it at the moment, why shake it up? Why wait for him? He's not going to come up with anything himself because all his focus is on his work. Rightly or wrongly. We could plod along and have a good time of it, but i'd be wondering if we were wasting each others time. I think about how my brother and his gf mentioned when they were breaking up; 'Are we really making each other as happy as we should be?' - 'Are we really compatible?'


I think more talk needs to be had this evening after I see this room. I do feel a time pressure as it's fantastic value and will surely be snapped up in a day or two, so I can't really dither. But I shouldn't really let time be a pressure, should I?


Follow your heart. Listen to your heart...


I'm going to have to write down some of these key points and have them to hand while we talk...more thinking thinking thinking...