Deep deep deeper

Brink of tears. Eyes sting, they don't want to be open. Tummy hurts. My body has resigned. I wish I could just stick myself into auto pilot while I work through the dregs in my mind. I can't seem to bring a smile to my face, despite the fact it's Friday. I suppose i'm not really looking forward to going out tomorrow night and having to pretend that nothing has changed and everything is completely fine. I'm sure it won't be too bad though and hopefully I won't have to stay too long. I just want to sleep. That's all I want to do. Never, ever leave my bed.

I want to be okay, I want to be back to normal, I want us to be back to normal. But of course, that's a stupid thing to say after all I have done. Emotionally, more than anything. Clearly it has all been building up for many weeks and has recently released and I feel like a weak shell of who I truly am. My personality and joy has been zapped from my system. I feel so low.

I don't feel very comforted. I don't feel like my mind has been put at ease. I feel tension caused by unresolved discussions and questions and I can't ignore it. I want to so much but its becoming a lot to carry around. I need to let it all go. I just want to be by the sea, let the sea air brush my face and I look out at it's vastness, walk up and down the beach for hours and hours. I don't care if the tide is in, if it's raining, I just want to be with it and finally be at peace. 

Maybe one day I will walk into the ocean and keep walking until my feet no longer touch the bottom and swim out into its vastness until I become so tired and sink below the surface...let my lungs fill with icy cold water and sink deep...deeper and deeper. 

*

Such a bleak fantasy but it's comforting to me at this moment. I don't genuinely feel that depressed, I know it's a phase I'll work through but sometimes it's good to remind myself that it doesn't matter how bad it all gets, I could always just die. Then I would never have any noise in my mind anymore, no more pressure or the tugging or pulling at my heart and mind. I would be weightless, I would be free.

I feel so tired. 

I just want to cry.