It's been a day of ups and downs but I feel better for being able to get a lot off my chest and I will continue to progress through each day and just see where things take me. I know i'm putting far too much stock in Dan's responses but I know that ultimately it won't lead me to happiness. But, he has helped me open my eyes and realise a few things that perhaps time, ease and comfort had hidden away from me. Allowing myself to fall into my old flaws has revealed the pattern and ultimately something needs to be done, I can't ignore it. It's not easy, and it hurts.
But I sit in this room which is now warm having a bit of peace to myself, listening to a nice chilled out playlist and I feel a little bit of hope. I don't know if I will feel the same tomorrow, I would like to, but my emotions are far from constant at the moment. I don't know where i'm going in my life, I'm lacking motivation in a big way in many aspects; art wise, career wise, just generally. But I will get it back, I need to focus on trying to get it back.
Where to begin? Well, certainly not where I seem to be focusing a lot of my attention. This again, is nothing new, I knew it all along. My mind keeps making me believe he's my ticket out of the confusing haze i'm in at the moment but my heart knows that he couldn't be further from it. I try and find links where we connect but it's a stretch. I look at my phone and he hasn't replied and I feel that anxiety trying to return but, would it be so bad if he didn't ever? It would actually make things easier for me and would help me out a great deal. I've already established in previous entries why he doesn't reply right away, again, this is nothing new! I mean, it's not customary but, I've certainly done it before in my time, he doesn't owe me anything, it doesn't matter. He shouldn't be existing in my life the way he is at the moment.
I won't know what's on his mind and that's okay because it's not my place to try and work it out at the moment. The upshot is that i'm currently in the wrong and I really need to work on getting this sorted out. I need to get a plan together and really have a think of how to approach this. I know things could be pieced back together in my current relationship if I deleted my messaging apps and hid my phone for 4 days or so, I know it wouldn't take me long to see sense. But I need to think if that's what I really want to do. Would it piece things together in the right way?
It's a lot to think about, and it's late. It's already Sunday and I should sleep. I will try and sleep and we will see what tomorrow brings.
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