Better than this

Fear and anxiety bubble up within but it subsides as I try my best to breath in and out. Of course I feel this way because I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it. 

I feel anxious at the lack of correspondence, as I always do. But as I told my friend about it, 'yeah but if it's stressing you out more than you're enjoying it, well it's not worth it anymore.' And of course she has a good point. I think about what I want to say to him but then realise that it would be pointless. If he's not talking to me anymore then he'll ignore anything I say and i'll just come across desperate. And even if he is, it'll tick him off for making him look/feel bad or, he'll reply ramping up the conversation once again, diverting my attention away from what I should be doing. I feel anxious more than ever now because i'm looking for his distractions more than ever. It's terribly wrong and I have to force myself to break the cycle. I don't truly believe it's over but, it should be. It is something I should believe.

I've said it all along; he's not inviting me into his life. It's a cold arrangement, without strings or words of care. Perhaps we both do feel something, somewhere but it isn't discussed because it's not a part of the deal; he doesn't want children, he doesn't want a wife. It's a stupid mess, it's easy to break off and remove, I want to, I should do. I will do. With every day that goes by, I get stronger without him pulling me in again for another hit, another relapse. 

He's fucking bled me dry, too. I've not been able to save a penny the past three months, because i've spent money on traveled to see him, buy alcohol and some sort of get-up for the occasion. He doesn't owe me anything, I mean I did choose to do all these things. But, I can't carry on like this. Not if I want to plan for my future. How fucking hypocritical. I go on about wanting to do big future things and plan, and I go and do something a stupid, immature, inexperienced teenager would do on a drunken night without any thought to the consequences. I'm better than this. 

And here I am, with someone, who wants children 'one day.' We connect, we get on well, we're not perfect, what we have isn't perfect, but he is special to me. And I'm weighing up what to do next, and I just feel so drained and dreary. Can I picture my life without him? I miss him, I miss how we used to be. It wasn't that long ago but it feels like years...years and years. Will we get the spark back? Do we want to? Do I want to? 

I've texted him to see if he wants to come home earlier than usual and we can try and re-kindle and not worry about cooking dinner or anything. Try and focus on something positive. I mean, he might not be into the idea or, might not be able to get home earlier. But, I want to show willing. And it has been a long time, i've sort of forgotten what it feels like. I don't want to break up...but I don't want to waste my time. Do I trust myself? I'm just not sure, I don't know what to do. I just want to cry.