Wouldn’t I just feel trapped?

Rain fizzes in the air, I hide beneath my hood and hope that I can escape the sight of others, why can't it cover my entire face I wonder as little drops reach my eyes making my hair inevitably go fluffy later on. Making me question what was the point of even trying. I wasn't planning on this being another negative entry, but the walk felt slow as I battled the weather and my thoughts and overheated, standing waiting for the door to be unlocked and another week to begin, the cloud seemed to fall over my head. I want to be so busy today with lots of work, phone always ringing, people asking me questions, time zipping by...I know this won't be the case. I'm pretty much alone in the office for the next 5 days. 

I read over what I had typed before and realized what difference a day can make to a once dreamy attitude. After real dreams have been had it all sounds so naive and childish, like what I would have typed if I were a teenager. 

Once again our contact is intermittent and the familiar, uneasy feeling creeps in once again as I resit the urge to pick up my phone and hope that i'll be surprised. The games begin again. 

But then thinking about it, why would he want to message me every single day? I mean, he's already admitted that he isn't really interested in a relationship right now and has other things he wants to focus on. We won't be seeing each other again for a fair while (maybe we won't at all,) so we can't maintain ramped up conversation because the climax will peek too soon and to be honest, I know I prefer this because I can't sneak about thinking about new things to say that I haven't before. It's meant to be convenient, light, playful, without strings - my mindset is far from that. 

It's as if I fear that he'll disappear, but he's never given me any reason to doubt that he would. Why do I worry about that anyway? He should - that would really be the best situation for me, really, in the grand scheme of things. 

I'm going to call my best friend later on as I walk home, she always cheers me up and I'm sure she'll help me find a slither of golden light during this dark and confusing time. I really wish I could see her. I find myself yearning for some girly interaction. I miss having friends. I feel I say it all the time, but I really do. I don't understand how my anxiety somehow holds me back from putting myself out there and being social, but I can power through it in other circumstances which to anyone else would appear more anxiety producing? Maybe there's a part of me that doesn't feel like a friend would understand where I find myself at, at this point in my life. Maybe I feel they would see through me. It's my weakness I suppose, I confuse intimacy with friendship. I do think it is possible to have the two, I suppose that's the situation I'm in at the moment. But then I hold back from saying a lot, is that a real friendship? Would a friendship make you contemplate leaving your stable life for a frightening, daunting future? Maybe...

I just need to reevaluate and think about what it is I really want right now. For the past few months, even years I've been telling myself 'family family family' at every opportunity, almost obsessing over it. But now my actions couldn't be further away from that, so, is it really so? Or, do I tell myself that because my environment influences me to think that way, or my family, or the fact that i'm lonely? Any of those reasons is not a good enough reason to embark on those things. The fact that Chris isn't ready only solidifies this. A baby would ultimately make me feel more trapped, surely...