Is there anything to figure out?
'Give it a year,' my coworker said to me yesterday after I unburdened some of my woes. It was nice to share, she's not too much older than me really (9 or 10 years perhaps,) and we share similar attitudes on many things so I do take not of her advice. 'Don't ever let outside pressures make you feel like you need to get on with things, you have more time than you think you do. Do it when it seems right for you both, like, really right. Not because of your 'body clock.' Your life really does change forever afterwards.'
She went on to tell me a story about a friend of hers who had been with her partner for about 5 years or so and she pestered a lot about wanting to start a family. He told her he wasn't ready, she carried on pestering until he eventually had an affair. She was devastated and they broke up, about 3 months later she learnt that he had got a one night stand pregnant and he was going to be a dad. It was a horrible story, really. It just me think about whether i'm pestering him and if I'll eventually push him away. I don't think so, I mean, I probably bring it up twice a year, and it takes all my strength to do this. Maybe i'm pushing myself away instead.
She mentioned how she thought our relationship doesn't seem exactly 50/50 at the moment, he's getting a pretty sweet deal while i'm out of pocket commuting in every day in a rancid flat I can't wait to leave. But then, i'm not sure I feel that way entirely. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't, it depends on my mood at the time I suppose. It's a choice after all.
I know I need to give it time, i've had phases like this in the past where I don't know where we're going and I don't know if we'll get to 'that place' but doing something rash now is just a stupid idea. Maybe I'll wait and see by November 2018 and see where we are, when it comes to renewing the flat. If I think we've progressing and we're talking more, making more plans, then I know where it's going. If not, then...well I know what to do. It just seems like a long time to wait but I know i'm in that limbo phase where I just want a change to jolt me into reawakening - the change of that magnitude would be too much, it could cause everything else to change and not in a good way. I'm so used to everything being a rush, go go go all the time but it's okay to wait sometimes. Especially if it's a big life decision.
I'm feeling a lot more alive today, the cold I had over Christmas seemed to hold on for a good 2 weeks and seemed to work it's way around my entire body in different ways. Stress, confusion, too much thought and not enough sleep ALWAYS catches up with me, I need to remember this. Always. I might think I've cheated it, but it hits like a hammer when I finally have a chance to relax, it is deserved of course but I need to try and make time to release it during the day...easier said than done. I'm happy to not have to keep popping paracetamol every 4 hours every day. Sigh, moan moan moan. I feel that's all I've been doing lately.
Olive reappeared on my screen, asking how my Christmas was, what my New Years resolutions were. It was nice to see his familiar face, and I duly replied but I soon felt a coldness as he keenly tried to arrange to meet and I deleted it without reply. It's so easy for me to shut him out, even when he would probably be able to offer me more than anyone else, why does it work like that? I suppose he's just far too intense for me but i've no doubt he'll keep appearing in my life at various intervals. He did cross my thoughts a little while ago though and I wonder if that's what sparked him to message.
*
So that was yesterday, and now it's today, a Friday and we're into the afternoon, i'm hoping soon with be the evening and I can go home again. I'm feeling a lot more positive today, I don't feel the need to moan as much, probably because I got most of it out of my system earlier in the week. He's popped up on my screen again and I wish I could prevent my mood from lifting but it does. I try and just let it go, let it slide, let him slide away but he knows exactly how to get back in. Just like he used to do. He's so good at worming his way in again to get what he wants and he seems very happy with this arrangement. But of course, I mean, why wouldn't he?
Soon I'll have nothing left to give.
I don't feel old today, I feel as though i've my life ahead of me, I don't feel frightened and boxed in. Ah, it's amazing what that Friday feeling does for you!
No comments:
Post a Comment