These things change so quickly, flip-floppety flop. I was so pissed off at the time, but now when I read it back, I think he was genuinely just checking to see. I do wonder if I would do the same if it were the other way around, hmm I have certainly cancelled enough times on him in the past. Nothing wrong with asking, it wasn't like he said 'I can't do Friday now because my dad's coming over instead.' I replied a little coolly, said I had printed it off already (I did, last night for some reason, I would never normally do it so early,) and he said it was totally fine and that was that. Carried on as normal. I suppose this is where I need to be careful because the way I reacted initially would probably turn him right off. I mean, it's hardly a light-hearted, casual response to something so trivial. So what if we had to move it?
I think it's because I've been looking forward to it so much, and when I saw the word 'delay' my heart just sank. I hate that it did. I didn't want it to, I tried to ignore it. But alas, it did. This is why I absolutely have to quit the whole situation. Because my heart sank, and it shouldn't. I absolutely should not be looking forward to it as much as I appear to. It's crossing a line into a dangerous, unknown territory.
I thought about my entry yesterday and how different I feel about the whole situation today, all over one little question. I annoy myself so much with how much I obsess and think and overthink. That's just the way he is! He's not that deep a person! I know the way he writes, sometimes it's full of detail and care, other times it's just straight as it comes to his mind. He was just ASKING. Why am I focusing on that part so much and not the '100% yours' part is beyond me. I guess I just want the day to be here and just see him, then all these weird things going on in my head will disappear. It's just, a little blip, surely. It doesn't mean what I think it does.
So, today I feel a little...fraut, anxiety is starting streaming through my system and my emotions are a little close to the surface. It is not ideal, today looks to be a dull day and tomorrow even more dull with our end of year stock take. I always end up dehydrated and frazzled by the end of it all, its all very tedious. But I've just got to take it hour by hour and get through it. Just get through this week.
On Saturday i'll be venturing back home to see my best friend which i'm so grateful for, I know we could both use the chat and I'll need something to look forward to after the previous evening passes, which i'm almost dreading. God, when did I suddenly get so intense? Dreading? Why? I need to sort my priorities out desperately. Hopefully she'll help put me on the straight and narrow because i'm certainly not doing a very good job at the moment.
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