I should dress to change my mindset. Dress how I want to feel, how I want to be perceived. Following that mindset, today you'd think that all I want to do is blend into the shadows, in my black and grey ensamble.
Buying alcohol during the day makes me feel like such a scumbag (I suppose I am.) I spent a lot of time on the internet yesterday and got wrapped up in a post where 'forgive your present self' popped up on a few occasions, but somehow I can't seem to get myself into that place just yet. Possibly because I haven't moved on. The strings are still wrapped around the corners of my mind, pulling and twisting, changing my flows of thought from one direction to the next. Sometimes I think i've got it all figured out and then the next, I want to run away from everything. Every thing.
Of course I don't take a sip, I saw in on offer and bought it for the weekend. But standing in line with all the suits with their meal deals...just made me feel rough.
Me and my coworker were not sugarcoating the realities of life over lunch as we ultimately decided that 'life is shit.' Her argument was that we work and work for a dream that's always out of reach and then we die. I laughed a lot eventhough it wasn't funny, but more so at how blunt it was. I don't know if I could really agree, because although I don't understand how life works, I actually believe it to be amazing and absolutely mind-blowing if you take a few moments out of societies daily routine to realise it. When that hits home, you then realise that actually, nothing matters. What are we doing all this for? We will never truly know. It's a lot to take in but sometimes it's good to remind ones self as it's easy to get tangled up in 'sweating the small stuff.'
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Two days until it's Friday. I've been trying to keep myself busy with work but I've completed most of what needed to be done and now I'm browsing web pages trying to resist the urge to buy things.
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I write sentences but keep stopping and loosing my train of thought, which seems daft considering these posts never have any real consistency or direction. Still, I manage to fumble and close it all down. Today although it'll probably be dull to read I need to get it out of my system because I cannot stand these waves of anxiety that hit me out of nowhere. Now, i'm expecting them tomorrow but there doesn't seem to be any pattern, it's just this 'constant knot in my stomach tied with uncertainty and with lust' and it's 'a classic case I suppose, a haunted man who can't outrun his ghost.' I didn't mean to fall into familiar song, but as I typed I realised that City and Colour came to my aid. I'll listen to that album as I walk home tonight I think.
Yesterday about half an hour before I finished work I was taken aback by a wave on anxiety that lasted me until I was nearly home on the train. I thought the walk would do me good, perhaps it was the fact i'd been cooped up in the office all day but I can't explain it. My heart pounding, sweating, a real panic and sense of urgency for nothing at all. I tried to think about other things but it was difficult getting a grip.
I am nervous and excited for tomorrow. That combination is confusing and is probably what's sending me into a whirlwind. I can't wait and yet I also can't wait for it to be over. It's a real mess trying to make sense of which energy I feel more. I suppose it's an escape. It's like a drug. Addictive, sickening, sweet, euphoric, vengeful, expensive, deceptive. I long for that escape and i'm hooked but I shouldn't be.
This morning I wasn't in the mood for looking at my phone. Instead I just wanted to sink into music and look out of the window. My train crush man sat next to me today and sweet lord it sent my heart into a flutter. I could not believe it. He usually gets on a couple of stops before mine where the train is full so he has to stand. He's got very dark, curly hair that's short at this sides, a thick but fairly short beard and lovely round glasses that sit on his marvelous cheekbones. His skin is pale and he dresses very well; trendy and cool, usually in dark colours. He always looks down at his phone, earphones in but in the window reflection I like to look at him and wonder what his name is, what he does for work, if he's happy...sometimes I wonder if he's ever looked my way.
When the lady next to me got up to leave for her stop, part of me wondered if he'd carry on standing and then suddenly he appeared beside me, with a beautiful and rather complex aroma, possibly a bespoke mix but certainly luxury. I couldn't help but think the ridiculous thoughts 'what if I were to stroke his leg?' and 'our children would be so pale' hehe I wondered if he might have remembered which stop I leave at and as the train slowed my heart pumped faster as I'd have to turn to him and interrupt Luther to get up and leave. He dutifully got up and I gave him a smile and said thanks but I don't know if he smiled back because I had come over too bashful and I looked away. He probably thought absolutely nothing at all but to people around us, did we look a good match?
Possibly the most excitement i'll have all week.
I feel sad for feeling that rush from an absolute stranger, because I should have everything I'll ever need at home. But in truth, there's been a bit of distance. We still laugh and lark about but he's stressed with work and the house is so cold neither of us want to be naked. I'm hoping it's a phase and as the evenings stay lighter for longer we'll be up more and outdoors more. His career is so consuming of his time and his emotional availability, I don't blame him for it at all but I don't feel truly content. I know that i've got to talk myself out of this mindset because it won't get better...sigh. I'm hoping that today will go quickly but, I doubt it will.
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