Test myself to smile more

Half day today. After the dentist I'm hoping that I can spend the afternoon working on finishing a drawing I meant to finish...years ago. I think it's the last thing that I owe him. I bring it on myself to remind him of it, bit it just takes me too long to finish. I plan on decluttering a few things as well, see if I can sell some clothes perhaps but mostly donate. I'm feeling a similar way to when I had my minimal phase towards the end of last year and feel the need to purge again. I never liked the word 'purge.' Hopefully I'll have the afternoon to myself to myself to relax a bit. I don't feel too tense though. I'm feeling a little more settled. I'm not entirely sure why that it is, but I hope to stay feeling this way for a while. I think my body was fed up of being on high alert constantly. This will change though, these feelings of content never seem to last for very long.

Maybe it's because contact had been had but I was unaware of it as my phone hid the notification. To see his name reappear stirred up that feeling within. 

*

This morning I feel a little more...agitated? I suppose I didn't really get everything I wanted to complete done yesterday and this morning leaving the house to the same grey, cold, low cloud with that shitty fizzy rain in the air, just made me contemplate why i'm even bothering with...anything. (Time of the month, thus, over-reacting and over-dramatics to be expected from this point forward.) 3 days early too. Dreams of babies and past relationships, so vivid, they feel like they were yesterday. I love the detailed sort of dreams where you can really register touch and textures, the emotions felt in dreams can feel so real, too. 

But when I wake in the darkness, the feeling depletes and another day of monotony begins. I feel like I shouldn't be saying that at 27. But, here I am. Have to work to live. Live to work. When did it become this? We all feel the same, nobody wants to have to work, everyone wants to go and explore the world. Everyone wants excitement, everyone wants adventure. 

Feeling myself slip into old habits, shopping online for brightly coloured things in aid to add extra colour to my life. At least it's not more expensive things like dresses, like I've purchases thoughtlessly the past 3 months. But still, they're not needed and soon they'll take up more space in my limited environments. I need to have another sort out and soon. 

Getting through the month, i'm looking forward to seeing the back of January. I don't think i've ever felt that way before but I feel there's a lot to leave behind. Complicated. My head feels full of noise. I look back at pictures from a year or two ago and I wonder what i'm thinking about in them. Do I look happier in my eyes? 

I miss smiling in the sun. I miss only thinking about one person. I miss the innocent person I was before. 

Just got to keep focused on other things. Focus on my health, my skin, my weight, the way I present myself to the world. I need to be as ready as I can for whatever tomorrow brings. 

*

Feeling chipper today. Although it's still a little chilly, the sun is out and I decided to wear a bright dress and I put glitter on my eyes. This morning I felt the need for an extra spring in my step, and although it's probably a little over the top for a day sat behind as desk, why the hell not? I might as well while I can, I can still sort of get away with it. I'm going to try and make a habit of it because if I catch my reflection it reminds me that I am still the person I was before. 

I think back to my teenage years and even my early 20's and remind myself of how uncomfortable I felt in my body. I'd only see bad things about my appearance. I mean, I still have days like that but not nearly as terrible as they used to be. 

Nothing much to really type about today, nothing burning the front of my mind. I've been listening to a lot of cheesy, dance stuff on my way to work this morning and it took me back to my uni days when I would be getting ready for going out. I'd sing along and dance, the night would be mine and it really cheered me up. I thought about Dan as if he were my 'crush' and how I sort of missed having such a thing. I'm not around similar aged fellas enough to have one these days, only strangers on trains or breezing past me in the street. I wish I could hold my head up for longer, or look straight ahead with my jaw clenched like models do without my eyes watering from the cold. I'd probably give out more menacing vibes than smoldering ones, it's probably for the best. I reckon I would though, if I had been told I had one last day to live, I think i'd let confidence over take me just to see how it is to live like one of those people. It's not my style though. 

Sometimes, I test for a stretch of road when I smile a little as I walk and people do tend to look a little more than my usual worried face. I should try it more and see if just comes to me naturally. I remember it used to once, a long time ago.