Dipping into my savings for the fourth time this month and I still seem to owe so much money, it's such a drag. It's been weighing on me a lot, I feel guilty for borrowing from myself and guilty for letting it get so out of hand. I didn't need to buy as much as I did for people over Christmas, I didn't need to buy as much for myself either. That beautiful dress I have not yet worn...I thought it would bring me such joy but it's taking up even more of my limited space in my wardrobe. I'll probably crack it out on Friday, though. I've learnt a lot about my spending habits and, most importantly, that to desire seems to mean more to me than to actually behold. It's a bittersweet realization as I wonder if it translates further than material possessions. I say 'mean more to me' but of course, I don't pin all my hopes and dreams on a stupid dress and then feel let down when of course none of them are satisfied but it's clear that my obsessing over something so much that I feel it'll 'make me happy' to the extent that I buy it when I can't afford it...it basically doesn't seem to stop there and then i'm onto the next obsession. Enough is enough. No more, no more. Of course, I KNOW that something so fickle won't actually make me happy, I suppose it's more about how I'll feel when I wear it, whatever it is. But it's a slippery slope. I know i'm not in the minority, but I don't want to become a shop-aholic and blame my uncomfortable state of mind to be the cause.
Need to take back control, because recently i've just really lost it.
Daydreaming. I think it's going to be a slow day. Left eye won't stop twitching. I think it might be stress. Too much going on in my mind, too much to think about.
Had my first driving lesson on Saturday, in my typical fashion it wasn't exactly a 'smooth' operation as I managed to lose my new provisional somewhere in a very unlikely fashion. I was worried it would have been cancelled and I'd have to pay all over again for another lesson later down the line, I felt defeated before it had even begun. However, he didn't seem to think it was a big deal and we carried on regardless. I was apprehensive to start off with, but as soon as I sat in the drivers seat and re-arranged the seat and mirrors, it all came back to me. We did more than I had anticipated and my instructor was relaxed, said i'd pick it up very quickly and was pleased at the progress I had made in an hour. I came away buzzing and almost proud of myself as I'd actually set out to do something and saw it through. Okay, not all of it through, it was only 1 lesson after all. But, even then I surprised myself a little bit. I wonder how many lessons it will take me...I've booked my next lesson next week. I also booked my theory test, which will be...something. It's all very nerve wracking if I think about it too much, but then again when I was driving about the back-streets changing through to 3rd gear, making observations, listening to the engine, it felt right. I felt as though I deserved to be on the road as much as everyone else was. So, I will see this through and I will eventually pass.
I'm on the shop floor today at work in a strange set of circumstances, so I might take the time it's calm to do a few practice tests. I mustn't be disheartened if it doesn't come to me right away, but it might be more difficult than I think. I'll likely get too nervous and clam up.
Thinking about Friday gives me anxiety already, my stomach rises and my mind starts to race. What am I doing? This really needs to be the last time.
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