This morning I woke up feeling indifferent, not a lot of improvement on yesterday. 'I'm not a good version of myself at the moment,' I tell Chris as he notices my fading cheer. I talk about how for the first time in my life, I feel I'm suffering a bit from the January blues, i'm not happy in the cold, damp flat and I feel concerned that everything feels so out of reach. This is all true, but it's not the whole truth. I wanted to lay it all out to him, but without giving him the chance I knew he wouldn't be able to give me the answers that would make me feel better, and why burden him?
He looked away and we just carried on. Had an early night. I felt sad. I felt lost. I felt guilty.
I still feel all of those things. But instead of listening to another dreary but much loved playlist, I thought i'd listen to something that might spur me on a bit, and lift my spirits. I listened to Charlie Kaufman's BAFTA screenwriting speech on Youtube as I stood on the crowded platform in the bitter cold and I instantly felt a sense of relief. His voice brought me back to the time I first listened to him, I stopped everything I was doing, mouth open, just staring at his awkward, endearing mannerisms on the big stage. Just absorbing and savoring every single beautiful word. I felt that re-connection, and I felt a little glow from within. I almost, for a second, thought that everything would be alright.
I'm probably going to have to listen to it a third time today, just to soak up the phrases, the quotes and the overall message that is; it's okay to not know, that's what makes us human. And I wouldn't change that for certainty. Because feeling a sense of certainty would mean that I would no longer be curious, or ask questions. (One of the many nuggets of wisdom Kaufman expressed.) I will have to post the transcript, just to read over and know that I have it here.
Although it's about screenwriting, most of it is still relevant to me and after it finished I paused and considered writing my very own screen play. That's how good his speech is! I mean, I couldn't actually do it, i'm far too dramatic and I would take too many talented peoples ideas and run them into the ground. I suppose this very blog satisfies my urge to write. I probably will always have something like this in my life, to help get me through the rough times which I am unable to share with anyone.
It's another day of no contact, I feel like I should be keeping tally of the days. It's daft, just one day, that shouldn't be celebrated. It makes me feel uneasy, I am fighting the urge to send him another sentence just to see, but I also feel that if this silence between us continues, I will come through the other side no problem. I need to keep telling myself that I have done this all before. With him, actually. For a long time. With others too, but especially him. He doesn't actually have his hooks as deep in me as I think he does. It's the attention I miss, that's what it really is. As awful as it is to say, as terrible as that makes me look. He doesn't owe me anything, he has his own life going on and it's none of my business. It would be my business if we were together, but, we're not and that's perfectly clear. He respects my private life, so I must respect his. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I don't know why I find myself panicking of feeling i've said something wrong that might have offended him or something. Why am I wasting so much of my time even thinking about any of this? Because work's allowing it, sadly. It's so dang uneventful I can't help but obsess...it's not good. Not good. I've always had this though, I think back to my dating days, going over and over trying to decipher what the number of kisses meant at the end of each text, what delays in replies really meant...just, churning over and over. I'm allowing myself to do the very same here too, why? For what? This has happened before, always after our encounters - what is there to say? If there's nothing to say, why fill messages with vacuous, lame, back and forth? He's not that type of guy, and neither are you. So just, chill. Cool it. Sometimes, I just get so carried away with myself and wrapped up in my own thoughts. It's not as big a deal as I make it seem, I know it. There is nothing attractive about being clingy. I need to stop being so fucking clingy.
Cool it.
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