My best friend called on Saturday evening as I absorbed myself in a new series and welcomed the quality catch up chat. I say it all the time I know but I miss her. I'm happy that we've been talking a lot more recently and that i've been able to share a secret or two, I think I would genuinely go mad if I wasn't able to have some sort of outlet which wasn't myself. It's been another period of quiet from him and before it bugged me but now i'm understanding why this is and i'm feeling less tense about it. I also feel a little irritated because if ther has been correspondence, it's been a bit half arsed. I mean, in some ways, why would he devote loads of time to it? In his mind i'm sure he's thinking that there really is no need, especially if he's busy with work or maybe, dating. That idea makes me feel a bit yuck, I wouldn't continue to see him if he was entertaining anyone else. But that's just an assumption. But then again, when I reflect on how I feel I pick on on how familiar it all is and how he's done this in the past. He goes through these phases, he'll be really intense one week, lots of questions, words, thought, requests. Then he'll go through one of a few days with nothing, it's almost like he wants to be unavailable for it. This maintains his unreadable quality. Keeping me waiting. I know what he's doing.
I try and do it in return but the pressure of replying doesn't delay me for long. I like the ball being in his court. It's like a serve I have to return as quickly as possible because it's done and I can focus on something else.
He hasn't been on my mind so much, and i've enjoyed him not consuming the day to day. When I have a bit of distance, I appreciate how much of an asshole he really is. It's blunt, it's rude but it is what it is. What am I doing, getting caught up in his flurry of words and bright dazzling lights? He doesn't boil down to much. Without the alcohol or the night sky, we're awkward together and without much interesting conversation.
Speaking to my friend about it, she knows it all too well. She also recognizes the situation i'm in and how it tough. We openly discussed whether the cold qualities of Dan might actually be what I need. We're so, so different and they say opposites attract, but in this case I just don't think it's the case. She mentioned how in some cases one can change someones options, outlooks and desires in life. Being with someone can change how they think, feel and act. But, I think he's too strong a force to change his course. He's been on his own too long. He's enjoyed the single life too long. To him, I doubt i've anything of real value to offer him, i've got what any other girl has got. I'd want him to see me and see that i'm positive, happy, cheerful, thoughtful, warm and kind and that he'd want that in his life constantly, that he wouldn't be able to ignore it. I don't think he forgets, but, maybe he doesn't need any of those things to make him feel content.
But I do know this, I always have. Right from when we first met and he unpacked shot glasses on our shared uni kitchen table and I, plastic colourful plates and boxes of cereal with my brother and dad. I took a look at him and knew right away that he wouldn't be phased by me in the slightest. I find it hard to believe that we were friends like we were. I still find it hard to believe that he messaged me after we graduated, that we hung out like we did, that he came back after all that time apart. And of course, that he was in Mexico of all places.
I try and think back to how I felt when I saw him in his new burgundy polo shirt and navy shorts. I wonder how he felt when he saw me, pink-faced, make-upless, frizzy haired, wearing an old dress of some sort. But somehow I didn't feel too embarrassed like I imagined that I would in that situation. I suppose I didn't really care. Have I ever really cared? I think intimacy can trick you into building connections of care, but if you don't truly love the person, I think it's a temporary feeling. Well, from my own experience. We just lack that deeper connection. Does time build it or is it something you’re either destined to have or not to have? Is all of this really worth any of this effort, without that?
Of course not.
So, what am I doing?
God, the reoccurring question which finds itself if every entry of 2018. Who would have thought my year would have started off like this. I keep feeling this urge to change everything, but I know that not only would cause a lot of upset to a lot of people, but it would move me so far back. I flip flop from wanting to leave and start again, maybe find a man who wants the same things as me and in the nearer future, you know, can give me tangible times and perhaps a bit more of a mature but laid back attitude (does this person even exist!?) to then just thinking about keeping my head down and getting on with what I have. I still haven't been able to bring up any of this with him, but it's always the wrong time. He's tried, i'm tired, he's stressed, i'm feeling below par, he's busy or i'm too anxious. It's just, I've got to bite the bullet some time or i'll never know.
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