It's January 1st and my resolutions are already shot to hell.

It’s January the 1st and I’m sat here looking at a frozen laptop screen. I wanted to type type type to my hearts content but I think this year old computer is already on deaths door. Ridiculous really, feels like I only just got it. I feel frustrated and thoroughly pissed off which wasn’t how I wanted to begin. Nothing succeeds in annoying me more than my laptop crashing/dying, I wish I could just let it go over my head but I blush at the thought of the fowl language and threats I’ve yelled at it over the past few months. It properly got fed up of the lack or respect and wanted out. I don’t blame it. Not the most positive start to this entry I realise but at the moment I’m just letting it flow which means all sorts of darkness could creep in. A lot like last year, thinking about it.

It’s grey and raining and I’ve already eaten chocolate in an effort to cheer myself up - always a terrible idea and something only a few hours ago I vouched to not touch again. It’s the same old story. I want to take better care of myself this year but in many ways I don’t feel like I deserve it. I feel blue. That’s how it is. I feel blue and down and at a complete loose end. Bank holiday Monday's are meant for doing things and to be enjoying but in a lot of ways I want to be back at work, back to normality. I want to get through this first week of the same 'how was your Christmas, what did you do for New Years!?' questions and just get on with 2018. A year I hope will be more settled than the previous. The truth to both of those questions is that my answers pains me to say, as I feel my life as a 27 year old is quickly the life of a 58 year old who's 'had enough' of the happening times and longs to sit, drink tea and watch stupid TV shows. I don't want to admit that this is how things are shaping up to be, when on earth did I become so depressing? What happened to my social life? What happened to my sense of adventure?


I want to forget about things I absolutely need to forget about but I can’t. Eyes keep searching, phone always in my pocket, constantly burning, reminding me to keep checking and checking for the same lack of notifications. I wish I could just turn it off completely. Christmas this year really ran me down. The day after boxing day I was hit with a nasty cold, my eye kept twitching, my body ached and I felt so drained. All I wanted to do was sleep. I'm starting to feel a bit more with it today, just in time for the week ahead I suppose. But it stressed me out a lot more than I thought it did, this year felt incredibly 'grown up' and real. It woke me up to the reality; my life, my family, my relationship...it all just exploded within me and so I talked more, I stayed up more, I ate more, I drank more alcohol to get louder and drown it out but the noise always catches up and it fights me for a fair few days as soon as the buzz wears off. Now I have a bit of time to myself to let it unfold and think things through. I feel as though I have nothing and that I am completely alone. Of course I know that's not the case but today I can't see it. I really let myself down towards the end of last year and I still can't understand why I let it happen, why i've caused this mess for myself and why, eventhough the solution is easy, I won't go ahead and stop it once and for all. I worry it's because I'm looking for something to take me away, like I always seem to do when I hit a period in my life of complacency. As soon as I start to feel a bit comfortable, I look about at the things I want and how far away I think they are and suddenly I feel panic and a yearn for excitement. I just went for it when it came along and I shouldn't have done. And here we are, in this mindset and it's all my own fault. Am I comfortable, or am I really ignoring something deeper, am I actually resentful and feeling like I did 4 years ago when I was with Joe? I fear that this situation will turn into that one if I don't give myself a fucking talking to. I can't keep running away, I can't keep trying to drown it out, because I know this doesn't work and nothing gets sorted this way. It's like i'm trying to buy myself time.

I write the familiar desires to walk along the bitterly cold seafront I spent my youth, to look out at the horizon and really think about what i'm doing. Ask myself that the things I want that are so ingrained are because they are a deep, real desire and not just because society tells me to. Ask myself what I really want in a relationship, do I want comfort, open-ness, silliness or do I want security? I'd say passion and lust but these things wear away over time. Which makes me doubt Dan's original argument. He is correct, my relationship isn't exciting anymore but that doesn't necessarily mean boredom. Or does it? I don't think I'm bored but I am concerned that i'm trapped and am wasting my time. I know communication is key but talking about it is so hard; if I bring it up too much it'll be too much pressure, and not enough, well, nothing will ever happen. Talking to my parents about it they understand my predicament but would never, ever condone what i've done, or see this as an excuse for my actions. Absolutely not. And neither do I. Maybe i'm not as ready for the bigger picture stuff as I once thought I was. I've fallen into the trap of those who think marriage and houses equal happiness but of course that's not the case. They are expensive and sure, a bit of excitement, but as with everything, the glow dulls and you're left in the same position you once were before with a load of debt, or a mortgage which adds complications and stress...it's just not wise.

It's okay though, neither of those things are on the cards for me right now, they won't be for many, many years. Many years. So I have to ask myself if I believe that in the course of these inevitable years, will my heart grow fonder? Will I become patient? Honestly? No, I don't think so. So, why am I sticking around? It hurts. I can't believe i'm even thinking it. But it's not...it isn't anyone else, no. It's the not knowing, it's the lack of commitment, the lack of talking about it - wanting to talk about it. Is this the life I want?


In 2017 I left a job I thought I hated, I got a new job which I hated even more. I then got back to London to another new job, which I hated just as much and then managed to get my old job back. I can't believe any of it happened now that i'm back there, but it happened. This made me realise two things; that I am foolish. And yet, I can still be ballsy. Whether that's a good thing or not...I have no idea. But so often I tell myself i'm a push over and won't get anywhere as a result but these actions I did because I wasn't happy - I can make the move if I need to. So, I need to see the mistakes made - it wasn't the time to change careers and I don't think this year will be either to be honest. I'm still recovering financially from those actions. But, I need to look back at my fearlessness and that I was able to get another job when the other one let me down big time.
I don't want to rush into anything and I need to weigh up these things properly because, yes, time is running out but I don't want to end up a career less spinster. I won't know for a few months because there's so much else going on that's effecting my judgement. My dad's situation with his girlfriend, my mums situation - both her and my stepdad are stressing out because they don't have jobs and will need to find work, and my aunt's depleting health which is affecting mum far more than she lets on. All of these things are impacting me as well, making me feel I need to do more to help, to be home more but it's expensive getting home, it's a lot of time and it's also not as easy, what with getting trains to and from work and my home here. So, I will be learning to drive! Which is great, but it's another pressure and surely will be a stress as well. So, I will need to wait, before asking any big picture questions.

Resolutions are already shot to hell. I don't think I can bring myself to write out the same list I always bloody write. But maybe I should think about it more and get back to it tomorrow or something. Sleep on it. Because with this rancid mood I'm in won't make for very achievable ideas and i'll just carry on being a drag.

Sometimes I need to be cold, bitter and blunt - I need to read it, to see it. I need a reality check every now and then. Sometimes things are not okay and it's okay to admit that.

I am lost

I don't know what I'm going to do about it. So, I'll need to wait and hang on for a bit longer and hope that things will become clearer soon.