It's a conundrum when lunchtime comes around. I don't want to go outside as I'll surely buy something out of boredom / distraction but staying in is just...killer. There's nowhere for peace. It's all expensive shops with roadworks and crowds of people.

I've suddenly got the urge to be in a swimming pool, with my head resting on my arms on the side as the rest of my body floats and moves with the water gradually. A quiet pool, perhaps only a couple of other people quietly doing lengths but otherwise, very still. This place exists only in magazine articles. It's another desire of mine which will never become reality and exists only in my dreams.

'You really have such a beautiful smile,' the man behind the til said to me as I shyly packed away my shopping in my bag, I hid the tins of pre-mixed cocktails under a box of biscuits. Perhaps he pitied my car-crash of a grocery haul. 'What's a girl like that doing with drinks like that on a Wednesday lunchtime?' he might have thought. I felt my cheeks flush red and I thanked him with enthusiasm, our exchange was under a minuet but...it's just what I needed to hear. I've seem him before, slowly sloping about the supermarket but he has an air of calm about him and when I see him he does make me want to smile somehow. Even if I have nothing to smile about. I just wanted to give him a big hug. 

So, not only have I become intense but also very lame. I mean, to feel such a pick-me-up from a strangers comment makes me feel more aware of how lost I truly am. I just want to hide away somewhere. I miss home. I miss my sense of self. Although today has been a busy work day, I still feel on-edge and I feel anxiety is curbing it's way towards me again. I just want to get tomorrow out of the way and hope it won't be too painfully dreary, because if it is, it means it'll be slow and I can't be checking the clock every half an hour. I'll go insane.