‘I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.’

I think today will be a more positive entry. Last night after I posted the sorry excuse of a post on the train home, I pondered and thought about what was really happening. I got through the front door, threw my coat on the floor and sat, like I used to do, in a dark room whilst looking out of the window and talked to myself about what I was thinking and feeling. The anxiety subsided. I thought about what I meant by 'the end' ignoring the fact I was of course, being incredibly over dramatic. I thought about what I had right now in my life and how it wasn't as bad as I was making it out. My recent actions have caused me to find faults and flaws in things, as I way to cope with the guilt and surprise that I managed to do something so potentially reckless. Of course I'll be feeling confused, I did something I didn't think I was capable of doing. So I latched on to words and exchanges, to keep it fresh in my mind, keep my 'distracted' where really it was planting a negative seed that was spreading into many different corners of my mind, not just the thoughts of my relationship. I wasn't judging the situation fairly and was jumping to stupid conclusions based on little fact. 

There aren't many facts here. But what I do know is that what me and Chris have, has been pretty significant in my life for the past three years. On Friday it'll be the 3 year date and I thought about how I felt a year ago, and felt sadness as I wanted more than anything to have been propelled forward in our future together, stronger and closer than ever before. I thought about if I lost it all and the sadness caved in on me and my eyes stung and the lights from the streetlights blurred. Things aren't perfect, of course. Yes, I feel uncomfortable in our new flat and I can't wait to leave it. But, it's temporary. In a few months, we can think about moving out. Or who knows, maybe in the summer it'll be lovely and really come into its own and we'll both want to stay. The phase i'm going through now emotionally is also a phase, and as the months go on, I'll feel better. I know it because, i've done it before. Possibly at this same time of year too. I think back to the music studio man who captured my attention and imagination over online games of scrabble (god,) and how I was well and truly hooked for a while. And when it dawned on me how messy things could have been and how quickly it could have all got out of hand, I shut it down. The following days were hard, really hard actually as I wondered if I'd miss our conversations. I mean, I did - for a few days. But soon, I realized that the attention I was putting in to discovering this new person, I was loosing my connection to someone I was meant to be closest to. And that was wrong. And terrifying that I let it happen. 

See, in this place I find myself now, is it really as complicated as I'm making it out to be? Really, deep down, I know that me and Dan aren't a combination of 'longevity' because, I have never looked at him in that sort of way. I've not truly contemplated us being an item, because we are so different. He doesn't make me laugh with shared quotes from comedy shows, he hasn't suggested a film that's really made me think afterwards. He's never tried to really get to know me or pick me apart, he's never really asked how I am and meant it, I don't think. I missed any signals he might have given me during uni because he was so off my scale - I just thought he thought I was an idiot, too childish, not plastic enough. I'm probably wrong, but he didn't make any effort to flirt. The only times he really did is in recent years behind the words in phone screens. 

He has made it clear how he isn't looking for anything relationship wise and he wants to focus on his career and have fun. And that's fine, he's only ever been honest about these things. So, why am I panicking that we haven't talked for a couple of days? What the fuck? Sure, if we were dating, it might be a bit different. But we're not! Do I speak to my best friend every single day, and panic if we don't chat for 48 hours or more? Nope, not at all. 

He's not worried, I'm not worried. A part of me thinks we might always be this way, maybe long into the stretch of our adult lives, he'll be interested in meeting every now and then, but we never slot our lives together, just dip in and out. And that's okay. We've had years without talking in the past, but we've never held it against each other. 

I just need to relax and live in the moment. Take myself away from situations that make me feel anxious and let it go. None of this matters. I might die this evening. I don't know what's going to happen. I need to be free of the negativity and get back to doing what I enjoy. Focus on what I have, instead of what I want to have. What I can make happen, instead of what I can't make happen.

I forget that I can make anything happen if I put my mind to it...