I need to find another form of escapism

Shortly after I typed up yesterday's entry I was hit by a headache which sat over my eyes for the rest of the day and clung until the small hours. Awful. I'm not sure what brought it on, I can feel it twinge a little today and I hope it won't come back in full force. Tablets don't help at all. Sigh. Time of year I suppose, everyone comes in saying how ill they are and although I wish them well I can't help but think how it's only a matter of time before I get whatever they've got. It doesn't matter really, I mean if I get ill I get ill, it's not the end of the world. Let it go! It'll pass, these things always do. I felt relief as I slept last night. As lame as it sounds. It was just nice to shut my thoughts away. I'm growing a little concerned at how increasingly relieved I am to 'see the back' of certain things, like 2017, January and now Monday. Soon it'll be like I can't wait to see the back of 'this morning' or '10am.' sigh. Wishing away time is never a good thing, but then I do it more when I've something to look forward to it seems. I shouldn't be looking forward to it at all, though. But this conundrum only seems to intensify it. 

I'm feeling good today although I think that might be due to the sunshine that's decided to say hello for the long time in many weeks. It's still cold but it feels so nice. I can't wait to put my winter coat away and break out my favourite jackets. I'm going to give my best friend another call today as I walk through the city back to the station and hope that she'll be able to talk some sense into me. I honestly don't think I would do half the stupid things I do if I had more of a friendship network around me. I asked myself why as I submerged myself in the bath, trying to ease the pains in my head and came to the realization that it was a form of escapism. - But the sort that you would get from spending time with your friends and family. They help pick you up, talk you around your feelings and share similar issues. When you've only really got yourself, and you know your weaknesses but ignore them...it's just, well, of course it'll end up being a mess. 

I feel sad that I don't feel able to easily communicate with Chris and i'm disappointed that we've both sort of given up trying to, in our own ways. We never have been well and truly open, he bottles a lot up and so do I. In that respect we're not very compatible. With some things I do try and sit him down, purposefully bring things up and I know he appreciates it when I do, well, after the initial emotional shut-down. I suppose it's practice. Facing things that you wouldn't normally want to face. Like training a muscle. In a way... But he doesn't ask me things. It's not his fault, but it's a shame that it doesn't cross his mind to think to ask. 

We watched Black Mirror on Friday, about 3 episodes in a sitting, just the way I like it! It's not really his cup of tea so much, but I can appreciate that, it's often dark and difficult viewing. But I love how it makes you question things and think about things afterwards. It just takes you away from everything for a while. As the credits rolled up we talked a little bit and the next thing I know he's hugging me in tears. I was so worried about him. He's been so stressed with work and he's had no time to switch off or relax. 'Everyone's talking about the house they want, what they want and I'm like...I don't know, i'm not thinking about any of those things.' 

I knew it, of course, i've known it all along. But still, to hear it just left me feeling a little stung. I know he takes his career very seriously and I like that about him a lot. But, it doesn't make me feel very secure. 

I'm readdressing the issue in November, when we contemplate moving flats. It makes me feel a little numb when it's brought to the forefront of my mind, anxiety is already stirring within. But, it has to be done, I can't keep on keeping on hoping that he'll wake up one morning with a new attitude? I mean, it could happen but he's more likely to resent me or feel low.

I need to find another form of escapism. One that doesn't include me spending lots of money. I don't know what happened to my saving frame of mind, it must have disappeared, along with my morals. Sigh...I need to get out of this lull I appear to be in.

Whenever I've found myself lost...i've always found my way back to you. 

You appear before me, either in my presence or on my battered phone screen. You don't gush with words of care, you don't try and charm me with anecdotes or humor. You're just there, right there, before me. 

And that's what makes me wonder. Why, after all the time, the distance, the passion and then the nothing...why do you keep finding yourself gradually following me around? 

You could get sex any time you wanted, from any nice, well turned out woman, anywhere. They would probably look much better on your arm than I ever would too. Is it really that, or is it something deeper? Can you be 'deeper'? I don't think I've seen it yet. But then, we're pretty one-dimensional. We do what we say we'll do and that's all there is to it. Could we be 'deeper'? Will we be deeper one day...Perhaps if we were to be together, you'd show me many facets to your personality that has been hidden all these years. Maybe you hold back.

I shouldn't be getting lost in any of these daydreams. 

Today marks a week and already I feel the stirrings of excitement and angst. I want to feel unphased by it as it might not happen, it isn't set in stone. I suppose it's that slight element of uncertainty. But I've always been the one to cancel, never him. There is still a chance, though. 

I think it's going to be a quiet weekend. I've a driving lesson tomorrow morning again, I look forward to it and dread it at the very same time. I'm certainly looking forward to getting it done and out of the way. Then I plan to get drawing and complete a piece to submit for an exhibition happening in the summer. My fingers are crossed but, who knows.