I've no doubt of the reasons for why i feel low today. I can't stand being in my own skin, I just want to close my eyes and escape all of this. It's not even half past 3 yet and I want it to be the evening so I can absorb my sorrows in layers of oversized clothing and not feel so guilty lazing about feeling sorry for myself. I don't think it's for myself though, I think i'm generally very...sorry.
This time of year sucks, I know everybody hates it. Nothing to look forward to, the dreary sighs, the coughs and sniffing noses are all communally shared in public spaces, if one dares to lift a head to the sky it's all but grey and slightly smokey from exhaust fumes and carbon dioxide leaving the body. Doing this is giving me something to channel my emotions on right now, who knows, maybe i'll feel a little better for it or at least, a sense of accomplishment. I wanted to see if I could hold it in and save it for tomorrow as it's likely to be a quiet day and it'll make me look busy at least. But I want to do it now. I will probably write another tomorrow as well.
I feel like such a fool. I feel the way I do now because I followed a prohibited path. And now that I reached the end of that path and let myself into the glowing warmth of that neatly kept cottage and soaked up it's comfort, it's joys, now i've tasted it all, nothing can compare as I rejoin my own road. It's like the drinks that I sip from the bespoke glasses have tainted my vision and I look about at my once treasured belongings and feel resentment towards them. Just like that, in a snap of the fingers. I keep telling myself that I was happy before all of this. Maybe I was. Things were certainly stable and comfortable. What's wrong with that? But then when I think about it more, was I actually as happy as I thought I was? I wouldn't do any of this just for a lark, to put myself into this mindset was acknowledging a moment and going along with it, aware of the consequences. It's as though I relapsed.
I know there was a lot of thoughts, concerns and worries that I wanted to share but couldn't bring myself to voice, much the same as when I was with Joe. I waited to be asked in the hope that they could be released after an invitation but the invitation never came and I realise that it probably won't ever come. I'm not with a person who hold those same concerns, worries and thoughts as dear as I do. I think they are on the agenda but a long way down the list. So I just ignore how I feel and work on getting through another week. The weekend comes and then so does another week, month, year and I just carry on. I am good at shutting off different parts of my mind when I have to, when I feel there is no other choice. But I do have a choice.
The last couple of days were a rush (in every sense,) and I've learnt that I enjoy thriving off that. So now it's a relaxed, open day I find the thoughts catching up with me and here we are. The January blues mixed with bigger questions. I ask if I'm happy, but, my answer won't be the same as it was before because my past actions have influenced things so much. I worry that I'll stay where I am because we've been together a long time and maybe one day we'll get to that place where we can have a family. But the 'maybe' concerns me a lot. And this concern grows the more I don't feel able to talk about it. As I refrain, I withdraw. I feel it.
Dan is not the answer to any of these worries I have. He never has been. He is an escape for me. And, as I look about my boring, progress-less job, cold, dank flat, changeable family situations I feel the need for escape at every opportunity. But there is no real escape. It's a break away - but it's dishonest. So, it's only adding to the issues that are already there. I feel a fool but i know i'm not that stupid and this is nothing new to me. It's all a mess, it's like my mind is a tangled web with different clusters of problems hanging from all corners. I've been here before. I can't wallow in these webs, I have to sweep them away.
I'm going to have to come up with some sort of action plan or otherwise I don't really know what i'll do. It's good that I can focus a bit on learning to drive because it's a pretty big project and I want to succeed. It helps further distract me whilst making me feel as though i'm doing something to better my future eventually. And who knows, if I pass I'll have a sense of freedom I've never experienced before. I won't be able to afford a car but I'll want one, perhaps I'll get one anyway.
I close my eyes and see him waiting at the reception, vases of flowers and the lights are golden. He smiles and then we're at dinner, an intimate table with wine glasses and smart attire and we talk, lots of eye-contact and occasional touches under the table...it's an imaginary life like that in a movie, where he realises that really he loves her and wants to give her everything she's ever wanted...bullshit. My eyes are open again and my pale reflection looks back at me blankly. Life isn't like that, I can dream all I want, none of it is real. He isn't real. He doesn't want to give me anything, he wants to see me when he wants sexual release. His priorities are himself and his career. That's all. It always has been, it always will be. Why on earth would I ever consider throwing away what i've spent years working on under his influence? He's not promising me a single thing, it would be convenient for him sure. But you know you'd find yourself in a cramped house share again in London without anyone but work to focus on and your evenings would be disturbed by his requests for webcam videos and dirty talk, when all you'd really want to do is a cuddle and cup of tea.
I know this because i've been there before. And as much as I look back at those times and miss the single life, I mostly hated it and wanted to get away from it all as soon as possible. I wanted commitment and a relationship. I still want that. I don't have a career to build.
LET HIM GO.
I've got to switch him off, check out, leave it be. Is the excitement worth it for the weeks and weeks of sadness that follow? Absolutely not.
I'm going to have a bath and then study for my theory test which I've booked for the end of next month. Then I'm going to have an early night and hope that tomorrow i will wake up feeling a bit better.
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