Christmas felt very different this year. It could have been for a number of different reasons, but it was hard to ignore. Me and my brother are older, we've got heavier weights resting on our shoulders which seem to grow bigger as we advance into more grown up lives. Money, careers, relationships, family - these areas all have their own issues which hit home when you're no longer a child who can't sleep for excitement for what santa might bring in the night. Sleepless nights occur for different reasons, ones of stress and worry.
As soon as I get home my mums routines are very apparent and I feel like a teenager once again, pissing her off by just going about the place without adhering to the expected protocol, rookie mistakes as I suddenly remember how it used to be and still is. The familiar guilt kicks in as I seethe to myself, I don't want to get annoyed but it suddenly hits me what everyone means when they talk about family at Christmas.
A few months ago when I last saw mum and we had time to talk, she told me she was lowering her dosage of her antidepressants. Although she didn't say anything about it, it would probably mean at this point she would be off them altogether which might explain why she was a bit more intense than I recall as of late. I'm not sure if this is a good idea now that she and my stepdad will be looking for jobs in the new year. I'm worried about her. I think she's apprehensive and lonely.
We did have time to talk a little bit about other things and it was nice to fill her in on a few of my concerns. I wish she was able to give me an answer for everything but nobody can. I've made this bed for myself, I know I need to lay in it but for how long? It's been hard for me to ignore it, but I don't know if my past actions and interacting with someone I shouldn't, who has been a culprit in the past for interfering with my emotions is somewhat to blame. It's an 'out' (not a very good one, might I add,) but it's like my mind is offering me an alternative where the only other one is to just leave and re-start my life again. - Imagine that, god, all of that all over again...typing it feels so extreme and out of nowhere. It is! I mean, i'm not that unhappy, am I? No. I think that I am because I'm not getting what I want - but this is just a phase, I know it is. I've had it before, many people go through this too. Especially when there is so much else going on. I just can't help but feel like i'm running out of time. I know 27 is still young in the scheme of things, but without any sort of real timeframe, 1, 2, 3 years, maybe more? With every year that goes by my chances start going down...I know it's a bit much to think like that, but it is true. He wants the house first, which, lets face it, will be a good 5 plus years at least until there's any slight chance of it ever coming about. So, do I really want to wait until i'm 32? And even then, there's no guarantee? I don't know if i'd be able to live with myself if it got to then and he said he still wasn't ready...I could be waiting endlessly and that's not time I have. I don't want to hang around for when it feels good for him, I want him to take the leap because he loves me and he wants it all one day. But he has nobody else talking to him about it, only me, so I feel he'll start to resent me if I bring it up anymore...
I want someone to want all of those things with me. Not because it's something I want. Do I still have time to find that person? I know you need to put a few years in to make sure it's the right thing to do with that person - can't just have anyone waltz right in. The chances of that are incredibly slim, I only need to think back to my dating days and how many people I met before I met him, sigh, they weren't always good times and I was at a bit of a low point. Do I really want to go back to all of that?
I can't even believe I'm typing it, let alone thinking it. I can't do anything rash, not now anyway. I just need to wait and see. I wonder how many times that phrase has come up on here in recent years?
It's been another two days with the ball in his court without a response, I feel those feelings of anxiety bubble up again. But for what? I already know the pattern and how it works. I know how it goes, but it doesn't stop this uncomfortable feeling within. Maybe in the new year he'll pipe up again, as it'll be closer to when we penciled in meeting again. I don't know why I want the dialogue to keep going - yes I do, come on. I know why I encourage it, because it gives me a little buzz when these huge questions come into my mind and i'm powerless to do anything about them. When the name appears on my screen it's like they disappear and I get lost in the moment and it takes me away from the frustration and confusion. He knows it, too. To him, why else would I? I've already told him in the past and that was when I was focused and happy, so he must know that now something must be up if i'm allowing him in.
But of course, I mustn't. Everyone knows that if you're ever in a tricky spot, you've got to make things simpler for yourself and right now, i'm just adding more ingredients to the mix. And not even good ingredients either, it's not like he's offering what I need - and that's also not a reason to keep him in. After a while, if i'm not careful I'll convince myself that he is what I need and then I'll just drop everything - like i've done before. I shut down, close in on myself, stop communicating about how I really feel and just drop a bombshell. The rest of the year is just clearing up all the mess I made, trying to get back on track to where I was before I started talking to him...if I know it, if I have the hindsight, why...why do I carry on...
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