Sobriety

It's been 2 days without contact and I feel a lot less tense. I woke up this morning in a rather good mood, which felt like the first time in a very long time. It's like the pressure is off a little bit. Perhaps we'll just fade away...I say that but, I mean, he's the sort of person I imagine will continue to crop up in my life indefinitely I'm sure of it. I think of the couple of years where we didn't talk at all and then I see him in Mexico and it kick started everything again, so i've no doubt he'll pop up again. I feel alright about it actually, because although he probably shouldn't; we want different things out of life and on paper we've only really got one thing in common, it's like we both know it but still go along with it.

I've said it before and i'll say it again, people come and go in life. There are some people I would love to see reappear in my life but then there are some other individuals who just seem to follow the paths somehow.

I'm starting to feel a little bit more festive now, possibly because i've been paid at long last and i've nearly purchased everything I need for Christmas. It's only 2 days until I'll be back home and i'm starting to look forward to it.

It's amazing how it really hasn't been all that long and yet my head feels so much clearer. It's like finally sobering up, my head is coming out of the fog. If I feel this way knowingly, why do I allow it to happen? If it feels good to stop, why don't I just stop?

I feel like I need to stop asking myself difficult questions because the answers make me lose concentration on what's important right now. Okay fine, so yes a life with someone wealthy is a pleasant thought, a life I find difficult to picture because it's so unlike where I find myself at the moment. But, that will become boring more quickly than I think, i'm sure of it. Why do I think it's what I want? And we don't truly connect, so it wouldn't even have real longevity, not unless he's been hiding a deeper, more thoughtful side - buried very deep indeed. But even then, i'm silly, i'm daft, impulsive, rambling, emotional, clingy - he is NONE of those things, and as far as i'm aware, not very receptive to them either so how would it ever work? It wouldn't, end of! So why open it up when I already know...

I think it might be because i'm at those crossroads, that time where in my mind I've decided what I want out of my life and i'm ready for it. I'm just playing the waiting game now. But there is always the worry of, what if i'll be waiting for years and years? What if it'll never happen? And that thought in itself gives me that itchy feeling inside my mind. But I know that instead of daydreaming about what my life could be, it's a lot better to actually talk about these things with everyone involved.

But it’s always easier said than done. 

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Chatting with my best friend always helps put me in a better mood. She and I are so alike which is good and bad because we both know each other inside out, how the other one is feeling, what they’d do if put in a certain situation...I am so thankful I have her in my life, because I don’t really have anyone else. 

Today, I really felt a longing for a huddle of friends. Perhaps that’s why I want a family so badly because my family are all so far away and so are my friends. And distance can either strengthen your bonds or break them and so many have broken over the years. Of course it’s my doing too, but still, it gets harder making new friends as you get older. Especially working where I work. 

But then it’s not always quantity when it comes to this sort of thing, and there’s still time for me yet. I hope. Maybe with other mums in the future. Is it sad me thinking like that? Yep. I’m sure if I battled through my anxiety for 10 minuets I’d be able to get chatting to someone and realise that I’m actually fine and people would accept where I was coming from. Maybe. 

Sigh. 

Tomorrow is Thursday which means it’ll soon be Friday and then the following 4 days will zip by in a flash and soon i’ll be back sat at my desk typing out my resolutions for the new year, a common tradition of mine on this blog. Although I think I know what they’re going to be already.