In the kingdom of lust and skin

Spent the day watching the time tick by, I’m pleased to say that at last I’m on the train home. I’m not sure if I feel excited at the moment but we’ll see how things are fixed when I get through the front door. I have temptations to get really drunk but no good would really come from it, I am at home after all. I suppose there’s a bit of me that hopes I’ll get so merry that I’ll end up calling him but again, no good would really come from it. It’s withdrawal in full effective, and time only magnifies the issue. Boredom though, boredom is the worst for it. With no distractions and only one thing on my mind, it’s relentless. 

Last night after we watched a film and we’re both pretty tired, I decided suddenly it was the time to bring up ‘maybe a little one in 2018’ and before I even thought about it i had turned my head and the words had already come out. He rubbed his eyes and gripped at his face and eventually said he wanted to do it properly, have the house first, wait until the right time. I knew he’d say it but part of me wanted to test my judgement (which has been so shit lately,) and low and behold, it was the same response. It was the wrong time of course and he rolled over and said tiredly ‘I won’t be ready next year.’ I was expecting to feel upset and unsettled but I fell asleep almost too easily. In the morning we were fine and I apologised, we carried on as it hadn’t happened. I’m sure we will continue to carry on this way for another two years I’m sure. Maybe three. He wants it all one day, just not yet. Why can’t I be patient? Why am I scared for waiting? I suppose this is why I’ve found myself craving distractions to keep my mind busy while I hang on. Inside I feel disappointed because it’s selfish of him to think like that - it all has to be on his time, no negotiating. One of his main flaws; he is so selfish. I’ve been very supportive of many of his ambitions in order for him to make progress, it’s meant to be 50/50 but it’s not. I feel all my relationships end up like this at the 3 year mark (all 2 of them) it’s like they know full well but because I don’t give them a hard time about it, it’s easy for them to just carry on. I let them. I let them piss me off, so really I’m the one to blame. If I put my foot down more I’d probably have it all right now but alas, I can’t change these habits of mine. 

I’m sure I’ll blog over the festive period, I hope I’ll feel a bit more clued up by then but now, I’m in the same spot I was this time last year. 

That doesn’t feel good.