It's all just been a mad rush and soon it'll be Christmas and I want to be excited by it but I think i'm actually feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all. I also worry about how things are going to be family wise and wonder whether I will manage to upset either parent which is always a potential.
I slept well last night but possibly not long enough. I stayed up for a long time talking to Chris about my woes and he listened and held me close. I love him so much and am so grateful for the times we chat about things and how we're able to reflect on things. I felt a bit sad that I'd let things slip through my fingers - in many ways, but in particular my finances, paying bills on time, purchasing thoughtful gifts...it's all escaped me the past few months. I'm struggling to (literally) warm to our new flat, which although considerably cheaper, it is clear the reasons for why this is. It's so, so cold. It is frankly outdated, with no working shower, drafty windows and damp in the air. That combined with family issues and no real social life, I suppose you could say that i'm suffering from a case of the winter blues.
Just want to wallow and eat comfort food, hide under covers and just wait for all of this to blow over.
Another year has passed me by. Am I any closer to where I want to be? Today, I don't think so.
But I know that in the new year i'll be making steps to change this, I just need to hold onto those thoughts. I think the idea of obtaining my drivers license holds a lot more significance than simply being able to drive about where I like. It will give me a new sense of independence which I think will give me a new sense of confidence, especially in terms of doing what I want when I go home.
Of course, home will always be home to me but it's also my mums and stepdads home and their pace of life is so very different from what i'm used to. I can only take a couple of days of it. But I wrestle this feeling of guilt as I admit that I never feel as natural at home as I would like. For some reason I feel there is need to put on a show, to entertain, to talk non-stop, to make sure everyone is happy. I come back feeling exhausted and wondering why I put myself through it. (Goes for a lot of things.) I fear that this attitude I have and that I don't ever want to rock the boat or cause any upset makes mum view me the same way she used to when I were a teenager, not my fondest memories of home life to be honest. I know that by ignoring it and not talking about how I feel won't change anything but I'm still as scared as I was when I was a teenager.
Just feel so hollow and empty.
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