So i'm typing away to try and get this negativity to spill out of me, type away hopefully type the time away and hope that soon it'll be evening where I can fall into pleasant dreams once again.
It's all to keep me from looking at my phone. I hate this so, so much. This 'bit'. The part where I feel like i'm waiting, but what for? It is such a ridiculous situation to be in, which I put myself in by the way, so i've only myself to blame. It really is one of dumbest things I've ever created for myself, and it can so easily be solved and yet I can't seem to slice through the ties.
It has all come back to me, that feeling when i'm on the train and I'm looking about hoping to hold the gaze of a nice young man to help make me feel something. That awful, terrible notion. Why? About a month ago, I had no desire to do that. I was happy listening to music and thinking about anything else. It was all normal. Now? It's like my mood is so different and i'm looking at the world in an entirely different way. Of course, if someones eyes do meet mine, I look away in an instant and think nothing more of it. It's just the wanting of it that makes me feel uneasy. It's a red flag in myself that I want to eradicate.
Three of four years ago I was at this same point, where the talking would be fruitful and come thick and fast, like some sort of high and then it would peter out for a few days or so, no warning, just, life and other priorities getting in the way. Never discussed, of course. So, it all probably seems absolutely fine. But anger brews within me, a silent anger that I cannot share because I shouldn't be feeling ANY of this whatsoever. Then the chat comes again but I don't feel like it, I'm still angry, but can't put it into words so I cobble something together, relieved that the ball is in their court but then it's the waiting again...it's like an addiction. Chasing after the high and then there's the grinding comedown.
But, the thing is, they aren't in the wrong here because they have their own life. And I have mine. Again, nothing has been discussed but, this is the unspoken arrangement we appear to have. It suits him fine, there's no mess, no commitments. And of course I'm not in a place for commitments either as i'm committed to someone else - lets just stress that point, please. So, what i'm feeling is wrong. I shouldn't care about it - not in the slightest. Not the tiniest bit because they don't deserve my emotions because they haven't asked, the don't talk to me enough - they're not trying to build any sort of connection. And if it isn't this boarderline sort of chat with requests of things I don't really want to do as they're crossing lines (I haven't yet, I don't plan on it either,) there isn't much else to talk about. So, why do I worry that nothing's being shared? Some people don't talk about stuff, some people don't have that as a part of their DNA. They have their routines and they stick to them. End of.
I know this - so why tell myself otherwise? Why do I feel it's worth...giving this much energy to? It's so tiring, my stomach constantly hurts and I feel like I want to cry. Why can't I cut the damn cord? Get them out - just, get them the fuck out.
You've got to stop coming back into my life when you feel like it. You've no right. You know my situation and yet you still manage to work your way in, you know what you're doing. You claim to know me but you don't know how much all of this fucks with my mind. I'm not in the same place I was three years ago, I have a new life now, one which you can't suddenly waltz into unannounced asking me for things which you know I cannot do. You know somewhere I have some weird sort of feelings for you and know that I want to please you, but it's wrong and it's just got to stop. Soon, I will find the strength but right now, you either need to tell me what you really want from me or just get the fuck out.
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