Do I think I do?

Snow for the first time in many, many years. Proper snow, the kind that crumples under foot and causes public transport to go into complete chaos. I was home to witness it silently drops fall from the sky and land in my mum's back garden and I looked out feeling concerned that I might not make it back home again. I left early and felt relief when I got into our flat, however I had a lovely time visiting home. It had been a long while. When I got home we put the Christmas tree up and I wrapped up Christmas presents while Chris played games. We enjoyed the heating being on the entire time, blissfully unaware for the cost it was surely racking up, and just chilled out the rest of the day.

I'm starting to feel a little bit festive, but not much. I want to be in that place, but i'm not there yet. It's possibly the potentially busy couple of weeks prior to the Christmas break that I have looming on the horizon or perhaps it's just my current state of mind which is noisy and messy. Today I almost cut myself clean away. 

I look outside at big droplets of rain fall down with a concrete backdrop behind it, perhaps it's trying to snow again. It's a start of another week and sitting here at this desk again and I don't really remember much of my morning so far, waking up in the morning, my journey here. I suppose i've been in a bit of daze. I'm thinking about Friday and I fluctuate between feeling like I should never, entertain the idea of even speaking to him again, and feeling excited. I think a lot of it is company. I miss having friends to hang out with and talk to. I wonder if I miss being that other person, I want to be on another planet, in another head space.

Do I though? Or, do I think I do?

I don't even know anymore. Why am I confusing myself? If i'm not close to where I want to be, why push myself in a direction I don't want to be?