Can’t get past it

It doesn’t have to be imidiate responses, I’m sure he’s cooled off because of my belated replies and the fact that mid January is a way off yet. 

I just wish I’d stop checking my phone in the hope that his words will take me away from all this; the tricky situation I find myself in. It’s not like he’s offering me what I truly want (commitment of any kind,) so as the same question that has run through all of my posts as of late - why the fuck bother!?

Coming home is nice but I often feel lonely. Chris isn’t very communicative and at this time I really wish that he was. I know it’s bad but there’s a little bit of resentment there and I can’t get my mind past it. The days go slowly here and there’s nothing here that’s really mine, I hate that my phone is my main resource for entertainment. It’s not good entertainment either. 

Mum, me and my brother go for a walk in the cold and it’s nice to brainstorm a little of what’s on my mind. Mum says she feels for me and understands that I’m in a tricky spot. She says I need to be firm about what I want. Why is it so hard? I suppose it’s because it’s such a big deal and it could potentially be the end of ‘us’ which makes me feel sad to admit. I love what we have and with every year that goes by I feel we go from strength to strength, perhaps in time he will come around to the idea. But I don’t want to wait until it’s too late. I want someone to want those things, not feel backed into the corner and forced to agree. Not that he would do that. It’s just...it sucks. And I hate bringing it up because it’s so uncomfortable and he’s awkward about it all, after every exchange I tell myself that it’s the ‘last time’ because I just hate myself. 

I’m looking forward to seeing Dad a bit later, he helps take my mind off things.