I didn't sleep well last night and now my body feels as though it's put on another 4 stone as I tried to relax and sink into dreams. But nowhere in my mind feels safe. It won't quieten down, it won't let me feel at ease, not even for a moment. This is my own revenge and it is deserved. But it hurts. It will continue to for a long time i'm sure of it. Again, it's deserved. I deserve to punish myself.
I still don't yet feel able to put it all into words but as time goes on I'm sure the words will come more easily. Hopefully.
I just, I thought I knew what I wanted. But I manged to surprise myself once again and here we are at another crossroads.
The thing is, I do know what I want, I know all of this. This person has revisited my thoughts once again like a virus, he's attached himself and now wherever my thoughts land, he is there. It's pulling my heart which was in comfortable warmth, in another direction and it's trying to resist. I must resist. I am happy where I am with my life, I know I am, because if I wanted to choose another path, I would be on that path right now. Now it feels like a path of destruction and distraction.
I know what I need to do to shut it down. So, why don't I just do it?
I remember I felt this way when we were on the plane back from holiday. I just felt a constant knot in my stomach, a gravity that pulled my head towards my phone which I gripped tightly in my hands. But, it's not like a different, better life is promised, to be honest, nothing has changed at all, so I don't know why my thoughts have. Is it boredom? Is it that feeling of losing control? Is it that feeling of comfort which feels so nice and secure it frightens me? Will I ever feel settled?
I don't feel a warmth from this guy, he is all flash but no...core. I know he has it somewhere deep down but he's reluctant to unlock it. Perhaps he never will. Foolishly there's a part of me that wonders if I might be able to coax it out of him somehow but it would be too time consuming, too much effort for someone who gives me nothing when i'm with someone who gives me everything. He might not have a fast car or his own flat. He might not have a model-physique. But, he gives me cuddles whenever I want them, he'll listen to me waffle at all hours of the day, he'll love me, talk to me, make me laugh. And he's trying, we're both trying, to build a future together. Dan might be there already, his career has fast-tracked him to anything he wants. But he's not offering it up (to anyone) and when I see his surroundings, all picture perfect, he has no anecdotes, nothing to really share. There's no personality. It's all work and gym. I doubt many girls would want to settle down with someone like that, however amazing he looks or his life looks. I want to ask him the questions but what good would it do? If he admitted that he had thought about us in that way, would I drop it all to satisfy my curiosity, only to find that 3 months in, I'd be right?
I. know. me.
I know that I can get distracted, but I know what I want in my life. I want a family, and sure, you can have a family with a big home, lots of money and a successful father, but I don't want to bring up children in a stale environment. I want to be silly, cosy and humble. Flash is none of those things. So i need to delete him because, no good will come from me just giving him what he wants, constant borderline chat. I like that he wants it from me, but I reckon that's just because he isn't able to get it from anyone else.
It's all so familiar. He is familiar, too familiar. He just slots back in, he knows how to get my attention. But what does he want? I'm back to that question again. I need to remember that before, it got to the point where I didn't want to keep asking the same questions to myself and not have the balls to ask him directly. When I did, he gave me just as vague answers and I ended up just dropping it completely and felt all the better for it. I actually made some real progress with my life, I met some interesting people and eventually fell in love with a wonderful man. I have a new life in a new town and a job which although drives me mad sometimes, it's still pretty good. All is pretty well. So, why try and fuck it all up over a boring, rich guy!?
To be honest, I don't need to know answers, because if he's man enough he'll tell me them without me having to ask. Plus, I know them all already. I feel as though i'm in a bit of a cloudy space but the reality is, I have so much - and so much to lose. He wants me to be impulsive, leave it all, be independent again so we can fall back into our old routine. He is totally trying it. And I gave it a go at the time, but wanted something more.
The same will happen again.
So, I either tell him that I know. Or, tell him nothing at all. Be 'the one who got away' and leave him kicking himself. He had his chance, but now it's too late. And if he's got stuff he wants to say, then he should quit with the games and actually open up with it all. I can't let myself be besotted by his attention and wealth, because that only goes so far. No, i'm not that easily led.
I think he would want to be with me, but he'd expect me to slot into his life, there would be no compromises. I think he wants the house and I know he wants the marriage and the children one day. But, I fear that these are just accomplishments for him. They are boxes to be ticked. They fill a hole of boredom in his life. I don't genuinely feel he longs to love and be loved. I might be wrong. I think he's actually very insecure about himself, which is why he spends every day at the gym, preparing and eating the same foods, buying all the designer stuff, the fast car, the great job - they're all a mask. Sometimes, beneath his surface I see a scared little boy. With little nervous ticks and coughs, OCD routines. He always wants to be in control of everything, he is so, so hard to read. But I think he does this on purpose, because if I could read what he really felt, I'd be surprised and perhaps i'd pity him. I think he wants to take care of someone but only because it's something he can spend money on. I think about that and how perhaps for a fair few years I could pretend to be into that lifestyle. But I think about our families together, about our home, hosting them, my dad, the chat they'd have together and...my imagination doesn't let me go any further because it knows that it's not meant to happen. He's not airbrushed into my future...is he?
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