Ask

On my walk back to the station yesterday I decided to call my best friend, I longed to hear her voice and hoped that maybe I might find that piece of me in her that i'd recently lost in myself. It was so good to speak to her so freely and openly without judgement because we're so similar. She's going through a bit of a tough break up at the moment, it wasn't exactly amicable but they both knew it was going to happen sooner or later. She wanted children one day, he didn't. So, it came to a head and he decided it would be for the best. And even if it is, it doesn't stop it from hurting...I've been thinking about her a lot.

After we talked I got to thinking about things and drafted out a message and then surprised myself by actually sending it. Perhaps it was my friend's courage that had rubbed off onto me, or the fact that I realized that if I wanted to know so damn much, why hold back? I had drafted it out a couple of times while I was standing on the packed train and after I hit send I thought it would probably go ignored, or perhaps my assumptions would be correct. 

Me : Can I ask you a question!?

Him: Shoot! Although should I be worried about it! 🙈

Him: Just got out of work, horrible day!!

Me: Awww no!! :( I’m sorry to hear this! what happened!?

Me: And no no not at all!

Me: But I can wait! 😄

Him: Just a longgg day!

Him: Oh no ask away my dear!

Him: Started at half 7, just finished!

Me: Awww yeah? Haha I hope you don’t think it’s weird but it’s always something I’ve wanted to ask, but I always stop myself. And then I had some wine after work with some work colleagues haha! 

Have you ever thought about me and you together? I’ve always been so curious and it’s the sort of thing I can imagine never asking but would always sort of regret it? If you know what I mean! 

Please don’t feel any pressure by the way, whatever your thoughts (if any!) won’t change how we chat/are around each other, well for me anyway!

Me: I suppose I’ve always thought that you’d never really looked at me in that way and to be fair our situations have never really allowed for anything like that, (living situations, time etc) which is fair enough! But you know, I had a ‘life’s too short to not ask’ moment 😄 and I thought it’s better than assuming! ... I hope haha

Him: Big question after a long day for me 🙈 but yeah of course it crossed my mind! Like we're ridiculously comfortable around each other, I really enjoy your company and we would probably have the best sex for the rest of our lives 😂 although there's things that make me think it wouldn't work like distance and some of what I want out of life etc. Like I never want kids or to be married really even if I was with someone (no idea if you do, just one thing that's pretty much ended every relationship I've ever had 😂) and to be honest I quite like right now being single and building up my career which I want to do for a bit, a factor why I split up with the ex! It's not about sleeping around with loads of people as that's not really me, I just like have no real commitments at the moment.

Him: Hope that makes sense and doesn't change anything?!

Him: And to answer your original message, I think you should definitely definitely definitely get it! And I'm intreguied to see what you've bought and are going to show me already! 😍

Me: Aww I’m so sorry to have landed ‘a heavy one’ after you’ve had a super long day! Hehe I don’t really know what made me just come out with it but I’m really glad I did because your answer was lovely - thank you!! 😄 no no of course it all makes sense and it doesn’t change anything at all! It actually sort of surprised me a bit because I had always thought the answer would have been no hehe but of course, that would have been okay! I appreciate exactly where you’re coming from!

Me: (I was completely fine while I was typing it out but then after I sent it I suddenly felt a bit nervous! Hehe silly!) 

You’re in a really good place at the moment with your career and I’ve no doubt that you’ll be climbing even higher up the ladder in no time, you deserve to enjoy it without any commitments going on which is exactly what I thought 😊

I thought about it too from time to time and wondered if it was something I could picture - and I totally could, especially the sex haha allllllll the time in alllllllllll of the ways haha 😏 but of course the distance does sort of get in the way and other stuff came along and yeah, I just never asked! I hope you don’t mind that I asked 😄

Me: Hehehe eeeeee and of course, I think I actually will! I’ve nearly done all my Xmas shopping malarkey and hopefully I should have some left over for me (- that’s a total lie of course I’ll be able to make it happen haha)

Him: Aww that's alright! Haha no ofcourse I have thought about it! 😊 you know seeing you on holiday made me really think, I realised I wasn't nearly as comfortable as I should have been or as happy as I should have been, as if I was with you it would have been a lot better 😅 yeah don't get me wrong I too can picture it! Can you imagine nightly sex like we have?! 😍 actually makes me horny just thinking about it 🙈 ofcourse I don't mind I just don't want it to change anything! 

Him: Oooo well you know, I could always get you a present if there is something you particularly would like 

So his answer was what I expected it to be, plus a little extra. It shouldn't have been, but it was a relief to read. Now I know! He had thought about it, which I was a little surprised that he admitted and I was glad. I shouldn't feel glad, but...it just put things into perspective. He is so hard to read and I just thought I was his little walk on the wild side those years ago. Of course, he's content with his life at the moment and doesn't want to have any commitments weighing him down, I knew that already. He doesn't want children and he doesn't want to get married though, which, i'm also not too surprised by. But I appreciate how he just came out with it all, black and white. I thought maybe he'd want kids when his older, he still might to be honest but, it's just confirmed that we really want such different things in our lives. I feel relief because if he had said 'I want it all and I want it all with you' I think it would have stumped me - stupidly, of course. I know I want the things he doesn't, and I have potential for those things with Chris. I'm not sure when, but, well, maybe in the new year we'll talk about that a little more. It'll be a year since the last time we spoke about it properly, who knows. 

It does force you to think and have a re-evaluate, weigh up what I really want from my life. It really is an appealing - the security of money, the fancy house, holidays...But, I know I'll need more to satisfy me in my life, the glamour of luxury living looses it's sparkle after a while and i'd always regret not having what I want more than anything. It just cannot be denied, it's constantly burning within me. I want this with someone who wants those things with me too. So, it's kinda solved that looming question I had and it feels good. I still have an anxious feeling in my stomach that i'm not sure how to make it go away, I still know I need to stop talking to him because it's not real. Again, again, it's a distraction.