Tiers above me

There's so much rubbish out there. My eyes catches headlines on newspapers left on train seats, magazine racks are lined with gossip magazines about people who we're forced to care about. I know more about the personal life of famous actors and actresses without even seeing them in the pictures. I certainly don't go our of my way to read about them. It's not news worthy, why do we seem to lap it up? I suppose it's like a TV show, perhaps people don't think it's really real and they get involved because it's a distraction from depressing realities. 

I think i'm going to visit Dan towards the end of this month...I'm always cancelling on him, I always chicken out at the last minuet because for some reason I don't think it'll be a good idea. But, I mean, what I am I worried about? To be honest, I feel like I need to erase how we met last time. It was so surreal, we were both so unprepared. I know we have a bit of a history, but it wasn't anything serious. We were just two single people at the time who met up every now and then and helped the sting of loneliness with a bit of intimacy. It wasn't really that even, it was more of a distraction from our lives at the time. Intimacy to me is being wrapped up within each other, sharing secrets, bearing all as it were. Me and Dan never crossed into that, it was planned, clean and almost without a trace. Which sums him up pretty well. I always find myself tempted by the appeal of him, he is an appealing guy. Without wanting to sound shallow, he's got a good look, he works hard on his appearance and it shows. I personally think his style is a bit ordinary, but it's always tidy and everything falls perfectly around him; his job, going from strength to strength, buying his own flat, always with the latest technology, now he's bought himself a new car...a Porsche (!) I mean, his life is just on a completely different level to mine. He is tiers above me. So why on earth does he talk to me!? 

When I'm with him, I always feel a bit silly around him. I don't have a lot to contribute, I know I used to think that he might have me around to compare himself to. I'm always moving from tiny apartment to tiny apartment in grubby London, having lived with druggie housemates scrapping by on low paid, high hour jobs. He is like the good looking lead actor in a chic flick - he has it all, spotless, meticulous, gliding through the air and i'm like the ditzy, daft girl who's a bit rough around the edges who fumbles along day by day. I don't mind being that girl though, because, I know I'm feeling things. I'm living things. The good, the bad, the ugly experiences of my life so far have opened up my mind enormously. Dan likes movies with muscly men, guns, fast cars and explosions. I like nitty gritty, deep, close to home movies that make you think or cry afterwards. I like dry comedy, he likes mainstream...slapstick? His music taste is either club anthems or country - two genres I can't claim to enjoy. I wouldn't say he was 'deep.' But we play video games and he laughs at my foolish mistakes, I entertain him. And when we took things a step further, I can't even remember how it even came about now I come to think of it, he was passionate, which surprised me. It was memorable, but more for the fact that it was 'oh my god it's him, he can't honestly be interested in someone like me!?' 

So, goodness only knows what will happen if/when I see him this time. Perhaps now he has a girlfriend he'll be different. I've never known him be with someone before, so, he could be a completely different person. He might even be more open! Perhaps she'll be there too. That's okay though, she's nice and I liked her (what I remember of her.) Not someone i'd hang out with, but I could merrily have an evening chatting away with her.

Ah, memories. Of course i'll let Chris know if/when I visit, I might even run it by him first to see what he thinks...