Friday evening I was at a show with work, helping set up and run a small cramped stand at a small, cramped venue. It was a long day but it was fun, it was nice to be in Derbyshire which is actually a really beautiful area. We packed up around 10.30pm and headed back to the hotel where me and my colleague shared a bottle of red wine with a cheese board and bread. We shared a lot, about work and our personal lives and the evening soon slipped into the small hours. I was tipsy and happy. I had been messaging Dan during the evening and he responded quickly to my messages. I realised that his quicker replies suggested he was probably alone and I got a bit carried away and asked him if I could ring him. This was breaking all the usual protocol - we have never spoken on the phone, certainly not recently. I suppose we used to on Skype perhaps but that was different. This was me being impulsive, I was putting it out there and he welcomed the call. We chatted for about three quarters of an hour and it was easy, light hearted and fun. It felt like old times again. It didn't feel like we were speaking for that long, as we hadn't got into any serious sort of chat, I suppose that's the magic of red wine. The following morning he was on my mind a lot and as much I hate to admit it, he has been since. We haven't messaged since, only my apologizing for it being so late and him saying he enjoyed it and it was fun. We didn't delve into any dangerous territory, it was all 'safe'. He did joke about to coming to one of these events in future and pretend he was a customer, to be fair, he probably could be, it was a fun image. My mind jumped to my arm linked in his, looking like a couple i'd seen earlier than night, well-off and enjoying the evening smiling sipping champagne. I thought maybe it could be us, if I let it? I shut that down though, no no no, stop thinking like that. It's attraction to the idea of him, not who he actually is...my memory is blurry, I don't know for sure. I'm looking forward to seeing him but I just have no idea how it'll play out when I see him. I reckon it'll be like the days when I first saw him outside of uni, a few games, a movie maybe, go for dinner or take away at his and then sleep - in different beds of course. He did ask on the phone 'what shall we do when you're down? Shall we get drunk? I fancy getting drunk,' and I said something along the lines of 'i'm down for going with the flow, sounds good' or something like that. I feel like I should bring something, like a nice bottle or whisky, as a thanks for having me sort of thing - we don't necessarily have to drink it...I think i'm playing with fire. He was SO far from the forefront of my mind a couple of months ago, even years ago. I deleted our old conversations, pictures and almost had him erased and I just focused on my life. Recently though, I feel i've been searching for a distraction and here he is. Again. He's always been my distraction. It's not a good thing really. I hate to admit it, but I miss the flirting. I miss the attention. It's so lame to admit that but who am I kidding? I certainly seem to go through these phases, where we don't talk at all and then all of a sudden it's an almost daily occurrence. He's always had me puzzled, he's a difficult guy to read. Maybe this time if/when I see him, I'll find myself behaving a bit differently around him. Perhaps I'll encourage deeper chat, I won't be as afraid of seeming goofy around him (which i'm sure I will still be,) maybe i'll bring out a different side to him. Who knows. Maybe he talks to me for the same reasons. Maybe we're more similar than I think we are.
I surprised myself by phoning him, and he surprised me by answering. It really was a cool and breezy conversation, it was natural and it was as though no time had passed. But, when i'm there in front of him, maybe i'll revert back to that old self. We didn't mention Mexico, we didn't mention our partners. He has never spoken to me about her, so that doesn't mean too much. But, what do I mean by this? I too am proving difficult to read, even for myself. Sigh. I think it's the time of year. I think back to previous entries I've written of a similar theme and they all seem to be around this time, dark cold evenings lots of layers of clothing and scarves, breath on the air in the morning. That's how I remember Dan while we were close.
I'm trying to think back to after those times and if there were any signs. He often pushed the conversations and spoke up first, he still does now. I have often ignored some of his messages and he'll contact me through different means to check if i'd got the message. He'd want to arrange to meet up but I never really understood why, he wasn't in a place to commit to anything and neither was I. But now I think back, maybe he was. I think to our uni days where we admitted there was an un-acted upon chemistry but he at no point gave me any signs of this when I was with him, or if he did, I completely missed them.
So, as a result I'm just never sure with him. I wonder what he's expecting? Friends; catching up on the lost years, maybe having a couple of drinks? Friends with tension, like before, where we chat like friends but there's a lingering underlying seduction sort of vibe, which isn't acted on and is more awkward than anything? Or, sex? Maybe he's checking to see how he feels when he sees me?
I don't know which i'd prefer. Am I stronger than I was before? I'm happy with where I am in my life with my relationship. Previously, when me and Dan chatted and met up, I wasn't at all and that lead me to the decisions I probably shouldn't have made. I can't have his appeal lead me to think that i'm actually unhappy. Plus, if he is still with his girlfriend I can't imagine him going behind her back, and to be honest, I can't imagine letting him either. He might cancel on me in the end, he might decide it's not a good idea and that will be that.
I think I need to think about what I want out of the visit. Because really, it should be the last of it's kind. Who knows though, maybe now that the time has passed, 'we've been there, done that' we'll actually be really good friends. I think we might both need a bit of courage, so I will by the whisky! But, I'm happy to take it that way if he lets me. I want a future with Chris, I want to have his babies and get married one day. I know that's a real desire which overtakes my attraction towards Dan so, I'm confident I won't do anything foolish. I'm older now, more grown up, i've learnt the lessons and don't want to open up that world of pain and loneliness again. I think actually...I do feel a bit lonely, which is why I latch onto the chance to chat to someone else. The moving, our work schedules (his more than mine,) has lead me and Chris apart recently so I feel my eyes start to wonder but I know it's only temporary...
No comments:
Post a Comment