So, I just stop.
So tomorrow is Friday, I should be rejoicing. But in truth, I worry if I'm ready for Saturday. Maybe it's my body's payback, for thinking too much about it. Hedging too much on it. Too much energy spent on it. Or, for all the times I cancelled before, this time it's actually real...I don't know.
I could do with a friend though. A familiar face. Much against what my body really needs, I could do with some whisky and long conversation. I don't know if Dan will be that friend, to be honest my memory of him isn't filled with deep, meaningful chat. But then, I've never gone to him for that and he has encouraged it, in his own way. I think I might just take this weekend as an opportunity to just let is all go, because if I freak him out or something, it doesn't matter if we never meet again. It's a bit blunt sounding, but to me I feel the day should offer me closure. Is it something that I'll want to nurture, or, will it be an awkward waste of time and money?
I haven't felt so connected to Chris lately. Maybe it's tied in with the above, i'm not sure. But we just haven't clicked like we usually do. We haven't snapped, but, we're a bit...stale. He wants to play work late and then stay up playing video games. I feel like a mother again, tidying up after him, cooking, cleaning etc...it sounds a little too familiar to be honest. Am I worried? Not yet. I might be feeling a bit more susceptible to it because i'm not 100%, I'm probably more touchy to it. I could be seeing things that aren't really there. I feel blue. Because, the cold mornings are really chipping away at my spirit. It's lame, I know. But it's difficult to ignore.
Why has he been so persistent on meeting? Today as I looked blankly at food trying to muster some appetite, the thought hit me; 'why?' We are friends but we've never been that great a pair of friends to be honest. It was since leaving uni that we re-connected, and even then it was a weird sort of thing we had going on. I found myself so baffled by it all I never found myself being truly myself. It's horrible admitting that though, because it's like admitting that I feel a bit star-struck around him. It's his wealth and success that does it, and I don't want to be affected like that, but I am. I have no wealth and I also have no real successes so, we are pretty much opposite in that regard. So, I worry he'll find my boring. We won't talk about the same things, which we don't. So then I think...maybe he knows this. Maybe he sees all of this and kinda likes it. It's flattering, having someone there in awe of you. So, am I visiting him, so he can show off? Yes. I think that's exactly it. Hear a few 'wows' and feel like he's giving me an experience. I mean, it'll be difficult not to feel that way, he has his own flat, a sports car, a great job and freedom. I find it all impressive but it's all very typical. I know he's competitive and he has always wanted to be on top of the pile, so it doesn't surprise me.
So, why am I going? If I know all of this, why am I going? Because...I want to be entertained. I want a flavor of the high life and then go back to my normal day to day. I want the little looks here and there, but that is all. I want to open up to him and I want him to with me. I want to talk about things we've not talked about before, I want to reflect that I have grown and i've come on a long way from a few years ago where he comforted me when I was living in that horrible house share with cocaine sniffing bullies.
Sigh. Let's get through tomorrow first, and hope that I will feel better by this time tomorrow.
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