‘I’m going out for a while, so I can get high with my friends’

Today I'm on the borderline between crazed and compliant. Compared with yesterday, i've less rattling in my mind. I'm just focusing on how to get through the week and holding out for payday. I'm so sick of feeling poor, it feels like this has been going on for many months when the reality is, it's probably been only one. In some ways I enjoy the challenge of frugal living. But then it gets to a point; the birthdays, the outings, the rent, the bills, the food, where it's not so fun anymore. This is the first year I feel as though I haven't done anything for Chris, it's his birthday on Friday and I haven't been in the position to buy him anything or sort anything out. He knows about this of course, I have warned him. He's not expecting anything, in fact he's bought himself some things which I'll pay him back for as soon as I can. It suits me if he's happy, it just doesn't feel very romantic or thoughtful on my part though. It's just a phase, this won't last for too much longer, hopefully. Things should be back on track again in the New Year. 

God, 2018 will soon be upon us, and it feels too soon. Who knows what the year will have in store, there really is no way of knowing for sure. I am hopeful, but, i've come to realize that things won't just fall into place because I want them to. It's a two way street, the other person needs to be in that same place and that's something I have no control over. All I can do is my best, and hope that soon he'll get there. 

Is that what I truly want, though? Is it with him? I think it is, it's what my heart says whenever I see him, but I see how easily my mind can get caught up with something/someone I just worry that it's a trait in me that will never change. Part of me thinks that it's because i'm bored. Work isn't particularly challenging and it takes up most of my time. I miss being social, time and funds haven't allowed it lately. I miss conversing with other like minded people so, when the opportunity comes along for a chat, i'll go for it. It's such a novelty it seems that I get carried away with it hold onto it for much longer than anyone else would. 

It's been a couple of days and we haven't spoken since. I suppose there's no real need, we're both busy and also want to save the questions and conversations for when we meet, which is fair enough. It's a bit like an addiction I suppose. I've had a dose of that moment I enjoy sharing and now I find myself wanting more. 

I can quench it if I need to though. I can go cold turkey, i've proven that it's possible in the past. I stuck to my guns and a couple of years went by where I didn't even think about him. But when I put the time in, I feel it seep into my bones and I feel my head going under the water. It's like a fragrant, hot bath, feels so good when submerged but soon my head is pulled under and I'm suffocating beneath the surface. It's dramatic, but it's true. I can almost hear myself breathing inside in my head, much like that sound of when your ears are surrounded by water. 

It's timing, of course. I feel lonely because Chris is away shortly after we've moved into a new flat which is cold and silent. I don't have the comfort of knowing I have money to go home if I want to, I don't have anyone to really talk to or be around during the dark, frosty evenings so my mind jumps at anything exciting, mostly in my imagination and memories. Do I really need to be so entertained, that in two or three days of being by myself I start questioning my future and ambitions!? It really is ridiculous. I blame everything else before the fact I've become so...attention seeking. I hate it. How can I begin to overcome this? I try and distract myself, and keep myself busy but it's tricky. Especially when it's so fucking cold in that house! Tonight - I'm going to put the heater on and nestle on my desk and make something. I'm going to put some music on, and get engrossed in it and enjoy it and forget about my worries. I've got to try! I've got to try. Not only will it save me money, but it will kick things off for me creatively, hopefully. I can't build it up too much or I'll never get anything done. But, for now, it's what i've got to try and do. 

I am a focused individual - when I want to be. I need to turn it on and remind myself of everything I can do once I set my mind to something. I can't wallow about anymore, I used to enjoy time alone in my own company. 

I can't build up the 25th too much because it might not even happen. And if/when it does, it's likely to be just a casual meet up with two friends, that is all. It should be fun, as these things are, with friends. I can't keep going over the past as much as i'd like to, those times have happened, they've been and gone. It doesn't mean they'll ever happen again, I can't worry about any of that until i'm actually faced with it - which is unlikely to happen. 

I can't dwell too much on feeling 'poor' - I'm not poor, i'm being dramatic and it's not helping me move forward. In time, i'll be paid again (i'm lucky I have a job in the first place,) and things can wait until that time. For now, i'm going to try and focus on the things that I can make that might save me money. It'll keep me busy and will hopefully open up the creative floodgates again - two birds with one stone. 

I'm going to keep writing these blog posts, as much as I feel the need to. Not only do they make me appear busy at work, but I sort of am - I'm blowing the dust off those parts of my mind that have got a bit stale over the past year or so. I need to give myself a talking to, a pep up, a reminder that I am in charge of what happens next, I can't allow my head to be submerged in the bath water any longer - there is no time for that! 2018 will be here soon, and I want to feel ready for it. More than I've ever been ready for a year to start before! I don't want to look at the 'could beens' the 'would haves' - this is counterproductive. This will cause me to stop and pause, I don't want to pause. I don't want to be distracted any more. 

Feeder is seeing me through today.