'This is Freudian slip...'

I had a calm work moment and decided I would look back to some of the first entries I ever wrote on this blog. It was hard not to cringe to be honest. I wanted to enjoy looking back over those times but I felt a pang in my stomach instead. I go about thinking that I haven't changed very much if at all, since those days. The reality is different, of course I have. Next year I'll have had typed entries here for nearly 10 years, with all the things that happened, what did I expect? 

It made my face screw up a little to read because it was all so raw. I typed exactly what I thought and felt. Swearing, trails of rambling thought, negativity, lame music lyrics, lame phrases...teenage amped up nothingness. I suppose that's a bit harsh, but it was just so dramatic and over-played. I wanted it to bring back my day to day routines of Uni but instead it was just me moaning about wanting to find love. My initial reaction is 'pathetic' but, I suppose in many ways that desire of mine has remained the same. I just wouldn't put it in such a way.

It is a little insightful I suppose, to a not even twenty something year old talking about relationships with significantly older men at the time, who were controlling, manipulative and persuasive. All the text was crammed together and I typed as if I was trying to quickly explain it all to someone over the phone, capital letters and exclamation marks all over the show. 

I think of where I am now and what I'm doing with my life and it's hard to think that all that was going on 10 years ago. 5 years ago memories feel pretty odd in comparison too. That's how fast life can move. It stings a bit, I don't really want to admit getting older. My maternal instincts are kicking in again and I feel further away from it all as I was back then. But I know there are some other more pressing matters to address such as moving flats again...

Feels like I'm straight back to how I was feeling this time last year. But at least this time I know I've got to ride it out instead of hopping from job to job.