Minimalism day 4. I decluttered my favourite cookies

My drawer at work is a treasure trove of delicious little snacks and sugary treats where I'd pull it open later afternoon for a discreet sugar rush to help boost my energy levels for the remainder of the day. If things ran out, i'd go out and buy more and always the larger pouches or bags designed for sharing - never the individual servings. I'd tell myself it was better value, getting the greedier portions, of course they were only for me. I go through phases of needing to buy them nearly every day to managing to go without for a while, and a couple of weeks ago it had started up again. I didn't think I knew the pattern until recently, since getting rid of a few things and feeling a bit more balanced mentally - it's stress / boredom. Both very different emotions, which means I'm twice as likely to cave in and do what I shouldn't. It is an addiction for me, chocolate, sugar - all that lovely, yummy stuff. But why? I shouldn't be. 

If I have a piece of chocolate, that's the beginning of the end. I'll consider a good day ruined by it and will then go ahead and gorge on the rest until I see the wrappers and feel guilty. My head feels heavier and I feel a little sick. I then wrap it up and put it out of sight, but I still want more. It is usually followed up by a pack of chewing gum which I chomp through once the flavor of each piece depletes. I look at all the colourful packaging afterwards and feel a bit disgusted with myself, and instantly feel regret. That shit is expensive too, and somehow I allow it during my 'no buy' phases - it's just as bad as all the things I bought before. 

It's tough because it's everywhere. It's tough because i'm honestly pretty hooked on the stuff. One bite and that's it. It renews my love for it. And it's ridiculous. And embarrassing. Even typing this out, I feel a bit ashamed. Mainly because it shouldn't really be considered as an issue at all. How very 'first world problems' of me.

But, if I don't type it out, I won't let it out and I'm trying to get into the habit of typing every day. 

Having them in the house/drawers/possession makes me feel safer somehow. It gives me a sense of relief that it's not far away from me should I need it. And soon after that reassurance, I start to crave it. And then I'll eat it all. 

So, I know what to do - not buy it! Not even have it in my sights. But i've said this so, so many times before and I never succeed more than a couple of days. Why? Because I let it. 

I remember reading on a sub-reddit about weight loss, a piece of advise given by a successful 'loser;' 'This too shall pass.' It's not a unique phrase and i've heard it said before and even tattooed on someone before. But it's something I really need to remember and hold in my thoughts. The craving WILL pass if I let it, if I give it the time. But I never seem to get very far. I try with hot chocolates or chocolate cereal or something but it seems to make it worse, it's like feeding the monster, defeating the object. Typing this is easy because I know i've got a bag of chocolate buttons in the cupbaord at home! - It's crazy! I really need to just cut it out altogether. 

I've gone through a phase of not drinking milk and today I made myself a cup of tea and something didn't taste right about it. It's probably been about 3 or 4 months since I last drank it and I genuinely feel like my tastes have changed. I couldn't finish the cup.

I'm building it up far too much in my mind. I'm just so set on re-educating myself - without wanting to sound brainwashed! As I walk and listen to podcasts, it does sort of cross my mind. These changes...will it be yet another phase of mine? I don't want it to be, I want this to be the start of a new me. I want to help my anxiety, my low moments, my obsessing over 'where I should be with my life.' I don't want to be the leader anymore, I want to take control.