I thought about it this morning as I was getting ready. With the first couple of days, it was at the forefront of my mind and I felt really 'lame' about it. I thought about what others would have thought if I had told them what I was doing and could picture their facial expressions, like, 'why would you want to do that?' It's as if I'm letting it get to me too much, like i'm taking it too seriously and it's not an app for that. It's meant to be a fun, chatty, sharing platform of links, videos, music, creativity, love and support. I however, haven't felt that Facebook portrays any of these things to me, personally, as I browse through the 'same old same old' videos of viral shite.
I then feel guilt - like I don't want to know what's happening in my supposed friend's lives. Of course I do, particularly the closest ones to me, but in truth the people I'd normally pull out of the air as a 'close' friend are people I haven't actually spoken to properly for a couple of years. Maybe they would be closer if I made my life more visible on my own Facebook page, but I don't want to look like i'm boasting, plus, who would even be interested? Seeing everyone's lack of interest would confirm my sadness, or lack of importance - when really, I've made many decisions without the knowledge and 'likes' of others, why should I start considering them now?
So, ultimately when I see their wonderful news - a baby on the way, another baby on the way, a new house, a new car, a wedding, a reunion, I feel alienation followed by jealousy. Their happy news followed by resounding excitable comments and congratulations drags me so low to the ground. I close the window and put my phone face down and everything around my looks grey and boring. I look at everything I love and it suddenly looses it's spark and I just can't get the 'why can't that be me?' thought out of my mind. And it clutters it up for the remaining day, sometimes the following day. And you'll be sure I'll be blogging about it the very next day!
I hate that it's come to that, but I've got to be open about how it makes me feel, and it's only negative things. I don't need that. I don't any of it. So, I'm going to see how I feel in a month's time and reflect then. If I find I have continued to not miss using it, then I will delete it entirely.
This thought fills me with confidence and my head feels a little clearer. If I think about it too much it is tempting to go back onto it in reaction to a thought of 'don't be such a wuss' - but I know this is the right thing to do. So far, it feels freeing.
I'm also trying to get into the habit of getting home and going through my things and trying to donate at least one item. I'm trying to sell a few bits here and there and will put whatever I make towards Christmas gifts. It feels so good to get rid of stuff! Some things I struggle over, like many pieces of clothing. But when I take out something and have a look, I have to ask 'does it bring me joy?' and often put it back on the rack. However, in a few months time perhaps it won't give me that sensation anymore, making the donating/decluttering process more straight forward.
It's getting easier.
At the moment, i'm trying not to pin too many hopes onto this and what it might bring, but ultimately I want to feel less heavy and my head-space clearer. Hopefully this will help me focus on what's truly important.
I want to grow.
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